numb in 2019

2:13pm

Another Friday rolls around. =)

The week’s are going by quickly and I can’t decide if that’s good or bad right now. This Sunday will probably be my last one off until mid-February. Maybe like 4 weeks before my next day off. That’s pretty typical for this time of year. We used to do like 5 weeks back when the season worked a little differently. I’m ok sticking with 4 though!

It’s weird because I’m sleeping approximately the same amount of hours, if my calculations are correct, but I am starting to feel tired. I know I am waking up earlier, but I am also going to bed earlier. Most days I’m falling asleep on the couch by about 9 o’clock too. hah. My guess is it’s more of a mental exhaustion. My brain is just ON all the time, even when I’m not interacting with people. It’s the preparation/anticipation of that interaction that makes my introverted mind ache.

The only reason this becomes an ever so slight worry for me is because I start to make dumb decisions when I’m tired. Like I get lonely, and needy, and seek attention. With the client semi-flirting with me these days I don’t want to accidentally say something only because of the aforementioned emotions running through me. I’m sure if I started flirting back instead of avoiding he would think he had more of a chance. Like that red light would turn to more of a shade of yellow and I’m not looking to give that kind of hope right now. My brain is still too messed up.

Speaking of which, I did a quick mention in my last entry about how I feel seeing TF again this year and I had a few more thoughts last night that I jotted down.

I guess maybe I’m actually a little embarrassed to see him again. Especially with the last few messages that were exchanged. I can’t get those words out of my head and it makes me feel weird. What with the 12 year old sinner saint virgin comments. I just don’t know how I’m going to look him in the eyes after he said those things to me. It’s almost as if those words came from a different person. He definitely felt different to me near the end there. Honestly I hope he’ll be a little embarrassed to speak with me again too. None of that should have ever been said and there’s that part of me that wants to forget the whole thing, like I always did, but I can’t this time.

I mentioned that I’ve been trying to find the right word to describe how I feel about seeing him again. I’ve been stuck on this word dread for some time but that hasn’t felt quite right.

Now I think the word I’m actually looking for is numb. I’m just numb to the whole thing. To seeing him again. To speaking to him again.

Maybe there’s a part of me that has blocked it all out and filled that space with a giant void. So now I don’t feel anything in regards to the whole situation at all.

That’s probably a good way to protect myself. A coping mechanism of sorts.

Ugh. I just hope I don’t cry in front of him. I’ve been feeling so vulnerable lately. I can cry at the drop of a hat. I really hope I can keep it together.

There was a time when I wanted him to know how hurt I’ve been but not anymore. I think him knowing would just make me feel worse. It’s not like he’s going to apologize to me or show any kind of empathy. He’s not going to suddenly tell me how he feels or felt. As if he felt anything at all sigh.
I just don’t want to make a fool of myself in front of him. I guess that’s what I’m really afraid of.

I want him to know that I’m strong and I don’t need his sh*t. But I say these words and the tears well in my eyes. Except it’s late now and I’m tired. I just want to move on. I don’t ever want to be that person again. I want to be whole again. I don’t understand how I could ever let anyone affect me that way.

Not that it matters. What’s done is done.

rose.
11:18pm