that time again in 2019

2:13pm

I keep opening this little new entry portal [?? I must be working too much if I’m calling this a portal now. haha], but at the end of the day I find that it is still blank and so I move on.

There are things to say. Random thoughts floating around in my head that I should get out. I guess if I leave them long enough they’ll just disappear and maybe that wouldn’t be so bad either. There’s nothing pressing that I need to spill in order to process or move on. Just life stuff I guess.

I find myself with a bit of alone time right now at work so I thought I’d start clicking away and see what happens. My typing’s kinda loud so other people tend to notice that I am obviously not working on work. hah. It’s ok though.

I’ll start with yesterday and work my way through whatever pops into my head. Feel free to skip any or all of it.

We’ve gotten quite a bit of rain around here, which is nice. We need it. I mean we aren’t back to severe drought conditions but it was getting close. Yesterday it rained steady from morning until night. I can’t remember the last time that happened. Today’s been relatively quiet except for some sprinkles a bit ago. It should start raining in the next hour or two and go the rest of the night. At least that’s what they’re predicting. Too bad I can’t be at home cuddled in my blankets on the couch watching movies! That would be nice!!

Yesterday I exchanged a few texts with the client and he was sorta flirting with me. This guy’s quiet about that kinda thing. I’d guess mostly because I haven’t given him the green light. I have been very upfront with him about how I feel and how I’m not looking to date right now. I didn’t straight up tell him that I’d never date him because I don’t know that for sure. I don’t want to close that door completely and then change my mind when things are better. But that’s not to say that I’m giving him any kind of false hope. Whenever he’s joked about dating, or being my boyfriend, I have been honest and straight forward. I’m just not in a good headspace for that. I’ve been very conscious about not saying something like I don’t want to date at all right now simply because you never know. I don’t want him to feel like I lied to him if I happen to find the one suddenly. [insert big eye roll]

Anyway so every once in a while he’ll throw little comments out there. Yesterday it was something about how we should hug to share body heat because I was cold. haha. He’s so innocent that he used the word “hug” when clearly to share body heat there would probably be a lack of clothing. That’s what he was hinting at at least with the rest of the text.

The funny thing is that that is something that my dad said to my mom when they were dating because he insisted that was the only way to survive. haha. Smooth =P The connection to the client was just weird and I started to think about how maybe I’m going to end up just like my mom. Pining after a man I can never have then settling for the guy that’s been around for so long because I want kids. I mean, that’s the gist of what happened to her. My dad basically gave her an ultimatum that they either get married or he was moving on because she’d put him off for so long. A few years ago I picked up on the fact that my mom, to this day, has a thing for a guy she dated a million years ago. Must have been one of those 1st love things. That was hard to realize, but my dad’s been gone for a long time and apparently he knew about the whole thing. Like she straight up told him that she was still in love with someone else and he said it was ok. That’s the story I’ve gotten at least.

And I’m so paranoid about ending up like that. With a man that I’m not really in love with. I don’t want the client to be that person for me so I would never start anything up with him unless I was sure I was into him and not just the circumstances.

At the end of the night it turns out that he missed about half the possibly sexual jokes anyway so I don’t have to worry about him much. haha! Poor innocent dude. My gutter mind doesn’t let me see past those things. Plus I thought with him having made that one comment earlier that he would get it. shrug Oh well. Silly boy. It wasn’t anything serious. Just a joke that he started but then didn’t realize it had gone a different way. ha.

Back to the random flirting - do guys have hormone fluctuations the way that women do? Because I feel like he only does it every once in a while. Like maybe he’s feeling lonely, or needy, or affectionate? I don’t know. I feel like being more flirty at certain times but I definitely know those are my hormones raging. haha.

Doesn’t matter much. He ended up calling these sleeves I wear at work “adorable” and it’s been a whole joke since then. I mean adorable, really? I am so not the kind of girl you would describe as adorable. hah. I was joking about it earlier and I go, “what kind of man uses the word adorable anyway?” And my mother, being the lady she is, asked [in Spanish mind you so the translation might be off] if I wanted a wild guy instead that tells me I’m going to end up with fleas and a bunch of cats. Which instantly meant she was referring to TF’s cat lady comment. He did not mention fleas though! So she was going on about all this and I eventually told her that we didn’t need to talk about that disaster anymore. I don’t want to say much. It’s old news. But there’s still a twinge of sadness, obviously. I was really into the guy.
Then she started talking about this lady that came in last night that has one of his older brothers on social media. Apparently that guy’s life is a soap opera with the relationship drama [he’s the one brother we haven’t met]. At the end there was a comment about those guys having kids everywhere and I said “bullet dodged” and Idk what she said. I know I said that maybe it had been a trick/test from God like haha try this. Or maybe a punishment because I should be nicer to people. Or I should be meaner. I don’t know.

I have had a couple dreams about TF since the new year that involved his kid as well. Probably good I don’t remember them any more or I’d sit here retelling it all. Actually I think at least one of them only had his kid, and various other family members, but not him.

I am sure there was stuff I wanted to mention about it all but who knows what that was. The other day after I posted an entry from 2 years ago came up and wow another eye opener. How the heck did I keep living that same cycle over and over again? In that entry I talked about how it was so done, I was ready to move on, it was all going to be ok, I understood the reasons, etc. Then from hindsight I know that he came in and I fell all over it again. He asked me out, I got excited, he stood me up, we had a disagreement, stopped talking in March. Didn’t see/talk to him again until last January. Our interaction was great but it wasn’t anything. A message here and there after that. Then he contacted me in August and I thought it was an opportunity to start again [b/c I’m an idiot & don’t give up] which of course was a disaster. All we did was talk, fight, talk, fight…over and over again like always until I saw him in October. Got nervous. He flipped out on me via message. We both said mean things. He stormed out of the neighbour’s house. I reached out again at Thanksgiving and yeah..nothing since then. What a freaken roller coaster right? I don’t know why I ever thought that was going to be a thing.

Last year I was kind of excited to see him again. It had been like 10 months. I still think he’s cute. I’d always looked forward to being around him.

This year though. I don’t know. I can’t say I’m exactly “dreading” the whole thing, but it’s just different. I’m certainly not going to get excited about it. Or have any expectations whatsoever. As far as I know, he’s seeing someone and that makes him off limits and I’m not going anywhere near that. But if he starts flirting with me like he always does? Then what? Do I just act like my normal self? Technically, unless someone/he tells me flat out that he has a girl I really don’t have any confirmation. This is all from stuff I saw around the house and my wild imagination. So IDK?

I guess I’m trying to play out all the scenarios in my head, as introverts are apt to do, so I can control my reaction. Be prepared for anything. As if I can have that sort of control in real life. =\

No use fretting over it. My guess is we’ll go back to exactly the way we were before the flirting started. He’ll walk in, do what he has to do, and leave. Maybe he’ll say hi or ask how I am. If he does, we’ll do that quick 30 second small talk and that’s that. No exchanged glances or wicked smiles. I’ll mind my own business the way I do with strangers. I was tempted to just disappear into the back, but I don’t really want to do anything out of the ordinary. I don’t want it to be a big deal. It’s just work.

I spoke to his brother over the phone yesterday morning. He joked about how I could possibly recognize his voice after not talking for so long. I told him we saw each other a couple months ago [but Duh! I have caller ID haha]. Did I mention that on Saturday night he accidentally yelled at my neighbour thinking it was me?? I was at her house and she’d walked my mom home so her daughter went to get her. When she came back she said the neighbour invited her over and we were all shocked. Those neighbours are quiet. So she told us the story about the loud guy in the red vehicle and I instantly knew it was him and figured he mistook her for me. I guess he’d yelled at her to keep it down and she got all shy like “ok” and then he said something about them being loud too, she agreed, and maybe he told her to go over there next time?
So when we spoke I started laughing and told him that I’d heard he’d invited my neighbour over to his brother’s. And yup, he totally thought it was me! He must have realized it wasn’t when she reacted because my response would have been a lot more sarcastic and joking. I got a big kick out of it and he seemed embarrassed. haha. I’ll tease him some more whenever he comes in for sure!! =D I still have to tell L that that invite wasn’t meant for her. haha!

I always have a good laugh with that guy. I’m not dreading his interactions at all. ;) But I’ve also known him the longest and he’s real easy going [but definitely loud!!]. Lucas should be the next one to roll in here in the next week or two. That’ll be another riot. Then A and her husband will start dropping stuff off. TF will probably be later in February. I’m curious if there will be that phone call this year or he’ll just drop by. As little interaction as possible I think. Which is fine by me! I like his family better at this point anyway. They’re welcome to come and call as often as they want! =P

Alright, that’s enough rambling on that. I guess I found all the words I thought I was missing. ha! I’m going to start packing up and get ready to go home. I’m done with today. Was actually pretty productive on end of year stuff so that’s enough for me.

rose.
5:36pm