January 13th in Posso's Prompts

It’s a Sunday, time to talk about myself (or yourself if you’re writing along):
What scares you the most going forward in life?

Being alone for the rest of my life is something that I think of frequently. I’m not talking in the sense of friendship - I have plenty of friends that I care and love for and I know that they are there for me (probably reading this now) but I mean more in a companionship. I want to be able to wake up before someone and stare at them (some say cute, some say creepy) while they wake up in the morning. I want to be able to have someone that appreciates being kissed on the forehead and reacts with a smile. There have been significant others that have been there, for multiple journeys through my health and cancer struggles. They didn’t work out so far and sometimes I’m more than convinced that is because of me. It isn’t solely my fault but then again, I don’t do myself any favors with how irrationally defensive and dishonest I get sometimes. I could make a steady living lying, at least I’ve always been told by family and close friends. I just get tired of trying to live the properly laid out life; lying is second nature for me. The need for my life to not be so boring sometimes gets me in the biggest trouble, and as anyone that knows just a little about me that’s reading this could attest to, I have had enough happen in my life before 34 that I should be completely content with having a boring life. The lying isn’t even harmful, compared even to how I feel when I drink sometimes. Sounding completely condescending, I sometimes feel like I just can’t be near or around people unless I’m in an impaired state. Drinking makes me feel like I can tolerate being around people at times now, and I know that is clearly not a healthy reaction. Alcohol also became a crutch to escape arguments and issues that I just didn’t feel like losing. (also pretty conceited, I know) It’s how the last major relationship with someone I fell in love with ended - self sabotage by drinking myself into a problem that wasn’t even there. I know I made the mistake and I own that I definitely pushed my ex away by acting immaturely when I knew I didn’t have to. Alone and self detesting is what I know; what I’m good at. After the last issues with my prostate and being radiated for the better part of a year, I’ve succumb to seeing that I truly don’t want to go through anymore future cancer, or health issues, or life in general, if I can find someone that is interested in me. I know that it’s a long process, to reverse years of dealing with problems alone when you didn’t have to, and it is something that I continue to work on daily. Not drinking this year is hopefully going to help me in dealing with finding other ways to open up to someone without getting wasted and lying my way through boredom.

So without booze and hopefully living a boring life (only telling the best true stories in which there are still puhleeenty of for the rest of the year) I can live vicariously and safely through others and maybe finally take that chance in getting healthy and sound minded to get a life goal back on track.