January 12th in Posso's Prompts

What’s one of your best moments where you helped a friend ‘get lucky?’

I thought about this one for a minute, but since I have been playing a lot of video games online with my friend, Nolan, I figure that this story he’s involved in is probably a good one. I tell it very often to patrons I don’t know just for a giggle.

Let’s tell you about this time where I used my prowess as a spectacular bartender to help a couple of my (at the time college age) friends out with a lady situation. Nolan and our other friend, we’ll call him T since he doesn’t know he’s being shared with the universe, were in on a Tuesday night at the piano bar. Usually the Tuesday night friend group that was there had the common goal of having yours truly get them drunk enough to make poor decisions with no immediate consequences. This particular night, Nolan and T were out and they were absolutely crushing the double shot tall glass drinks. (Mind you, these weren’t normal pours since I am incapable of doing my job correctly ever at any point) At the time, the boys were just out to get drunk and be stupid in public until they walked home - typical for these two. This was until Virginia showed up. Virginia was with a few people and immediately let me know that she was in town for a conference - usually a nice little red flag for ‘I want full attention and I want things to happen.’ I was nowhere near willing to want to have anything to do with what looked easily like a lonely mom on a work trip. I was quickly off the board and relieved when Virginia saw Nolan and T pounding shots and drinks. The details are a little hazy from there as I was still having to tend bar for all of the other patrons, and it wasn’t a slow night, but Nolan and Virginia were talking about Geology and laughing while T was in his phone sucking down gin faster than I could pour it.

The funny thing about all this is I can usually tell when someone is getting more and more drunk - partly because I’m to blame, partly because I’ve been there, and I’m a good enough interpreter of body language and reaction to see the changes. Nolan, for instance, used to make this weird face where he’d become almost rubber like with his lips, he’d tuck his chin down to give him as many second and third chins as possible and he’d let out this odd low keyed giggle that definitely only came out when he had had too much Jameson. This lady was all over him, rubbing his legs, touching his shoulders, and I could hear the faint giggle and I knew at that point, that I might have a 21 year old friend getting lucky with someone that could easily be his mother. Only, Nolan was having one other issue; he was using the bathroom a lot. The piano bar has two bathrooms and Nolan kept going on journeys to both of them - we found out later it was because he kept sitting down and passing out on the toilet - but this was irritating to Virginia, so she started talking to T. At this point, T was also very visibly drunk, he would scrunch his face up and stare at his phone screen only to let out a grunt that sounded like a gorilla trying to speak. They started talking, and again, I’m not sure what happened for a bit (mainly because I was entertaining other people I was interested in sleeping with and those two were both too drunk to remember what they were talking about) but at this time, Nolan had resurfaced and he immediately put his head down on the bar. That’s almost a surefire sign that we’re going to have issue, at least for a bartender. As I was trying to revive Nolan with water and shaking, T and Virginia started to touch and get closer. Nolan popped up and drunkenly mumbled something about ‘poop’ and ‘potty’ and a few giggles. Flash ahead to about closing time. I’m rearing up people and getting them out when I have another friend of mine that actually used to work at the bar come up and say, “Posso, there’s someone locked in the bathroom, and I can hear snoring.” Intrigued, I went in and banged on the door. It was Nolan, he had passed out, pants around his ankles, and was cutting some snore logs on the toilet. As I was trying to get Nolan up, someone else came in and said “Hey, T, is holding hands with that old lady and she’s dragging him out of the bar.”
I figured I was in a quick predicament; which drunk friend do I immediately save and which one is going to be more of a handful for me to take care of? I knew immediately that I could get Nolan up and into a cab or Uber. Plus, who was I to block any sexual advances for friends? I got Nolan taken care of and on his way home and last I had heard, they had spotted Virginia dragging T towards the hotel she was staying at a few blocks away on East Washington.

That should be the end, right?

Well, to this day, Nolan doesn’t really remember anything about his interaction with Virginia. T, on the other hand, had never told me he was a virgin still, and that Virginia had ‘opened his eyes’ and told him he didn’t need to use a condom because she was ‘past that point in her time.’ I don’t know if it’s a correct brag or not, but I assisted in getting a college age friend to lose his virginity to a cougar mommy and Nolan will always be famous for snoring and shitting simultaneously.