So many regrets in College Life & Current experiences

I don’t want to be here today. Every noise, every person, just the sight of movement is making me panic. I feel insecure, alone, and pitiful. I cannot explain why I feel so horrible now that I’m back on campus. I think it has to do with him. Yesterday, I saw him walk past on my way to class. He looks happy and well. I bet his grades are flawless, as usual. I hope his mother is proud and in great health. She is such a sweet and honest woman. But, when he sees me, his face goes blank like he’s pretending not to see a ghost. We never dated, but I know the women who do will be the luckiest people on Earth. I will never have the chance of getting to know them because he wants nothing to do with me. I do not regret coming to this college, or being so close to him, or choosing my partner over him. I regret being so naive and not understanding how much I’ve negatively impacted him.
It crazy to think that the last time we spoke, tears heavily rolled down his face from a broken heart, and I sat there stoically watching him say goodbye. Now I am the one alone. Everywhere I walk, I am alone.
I eat my meals in my dorm, alone.
Going to the store, alone.
Walking at night, alone.
Studying, exercising, thinking, alone.
My family worries for my safety while I am away. I do not drive and I am a fairly small girl. But, it never really changes the fact that I have no one here to protect me. Sometimes I wonder if anyone would notice if I disappeared while I’m here or if I am injured while I am here.
I small talk with a handful of people but it is not the same. I crave a deep connection with someone, beyond talking about the weather and classes and how the holiday went.
I want to pour my heart and soul into a conversation with no regrets or worries that my secrets will be told.
He was my one connection. He understood our conversations and philosophical arguments. My partner tries to understand what I am talking about, but he is not one for complex conversation and theories. It all seems to bore him.
I still remember one of the deepest talks my friend and I had while walking through a park. He asked me about his role in my life and his purpose with me. It was easy to explain his importance and the quality of his friendship. When I told him that I did not think that my role in his life had as much importance, he said, “You are significant in my life. It does not have to be materialistic (like presents, giving rides, money). It is something else.”
I think he meant love. He wanted me to bring love and companionship into his life. So he waited and waited until he was told to give up.
I never had the intention of loving him the way he wanted me to. I was taken and happy, but I was stupid enough to think our friendship would still flourish without being anything more.
So I truly regret and feel ashamed of my selfishness and the pain I put him through. I do love him and wish him all the happiness in the world, but I will never let it go further, even if I was single. It is because he deserves more than what I have to give.
And I regret never telling him that.