January 6th in Posso's Prompts

As the first week of the new year closes, what are you aspiring to change about yourself for the better this year?

If there has been anything that 2018 taught me, it’s that I have been way too bitter and spiteful with myself. I know that I have had it hard the last few years and my friends and family let me know this and yet I still find ways to be self destructive and dig myself into deeper holes. As much as I like to joke and keep the mood light, I need to work on talking out and confronting my own issues. I have had enough time and as much as people tell me I have good enough excuses (health wise anyway) I need to acknowledge that I could die from anything any day. If cancer comes back and gets me, so be it. I cannot continue to let things I can’t control dictate what I do and I most definitely shouldn’t be drinking and running away from things I am more than capable of changing. I let my brazen arrogance that I am capable of talking and angling my way out of trouble only cause more havoc. I made a vow to myself that emotionally. I will get my head on straight again this year, and if that means no drinking, no partners, and minimal social contact to do so, then I will be alone until I am happy enough with myself to be able to not have to always put on a show to be around people I care about. I don’t need to always care what everyone else thinks. That is such a societal dead horse that everyone beats but it rings truest for the most aware to the concept. My life and my work for the better part of 20 years has been to entertain and try to make people happy with services I provide. It can almost be compared to a midlife crisis of emotional stability - I need “me time.” If I can’t figure out what makes me happy, I can’t try to have someone build a relationship with me to help them with happiness and love too. I’ve always believed that if you have to fully change yourself to be with someone that you were never meant to be with them in the first place. The problem is, you have to have some kind of idea of who you really are and there were times this last year that I was so lost that I didn’t know what I was doing. Just for myself. Take away my ex, my friends, my family. I didn’t know why I was waking up in the morning, functioning through a work shift, a treatment, going to bed at all. I’d be sleepless in bed, tired as all hell through the day and not sure why I was doing it to myself or let alone why I would do it day-to-day. I was in a pretty dark, sullen place after getting fired from my job and having my ex break up with me just as I thought I was going through my last cancer treatment. When I got my DUI after being irresponsible and trying to drown my emotions I didn’t think the year would get any worse, but i had also done that to myself. When I went in after my birthday only to find more cancer I was just ready to quit. I pretended I was okay. I entertained myself with just how I was really needed to be here, feet on the world.
It took isolating myself, reducing myself from social situations, going through an emotional breakup that I caused, to realize that I needed to get my life back on track. To do things I wanted to do for me and not to care about what others think. I am a compelling person with a lot of gifts others are envious of that I continue to waste. Not anymore. I refuse to act like I have a lot to lose anymore and simply want to live each day to best of my operating potential. So, I feel worn out and my hands aren’t working from the pain of all the radiation treatments? Technology exists where I can yell “Fuck, I’m sick of figuring out what to write about.” into my iPad. There shouldn’t be excuses to do what I am capable of doing anymore. I am going to make every conscious attempt this year to not make my life more difficult by reacting irritationally. I deserve to give my good chance at being a successful person all the drive possible without self sabotage.