Tired in Life

2018 was a memorable and painful year for me. Not only did I finally graduate with a bachelor degree, I lost my grandfather too.

Before I even graduated, I thought to myself how would my future be. I didn’t have any plans, nor did I prepare myself for what will happen after I graduated. It came to the point where I’m afraid of the future. I was too scared to even look forward.

Now I look at myself and saw that I’m a total failure in life. I frequently saw my old college friends who unfortunately had not so good A Level results having a stable job than I do. Here I am, still trying to find a job that does not compromise my happiness.

I got a job in early July, but I quit a few weeks after. Yes I might sound like a spoiled person. I couldn’t stand working without having to sit down for 12 hours. My waist aches so much after a few hours standing up. I was also insecure because the manager would observe my every move through the CCTV in her office. I’m starting to doubt my rights there. I don’t know if I was allowed to do that. I’m also a shy person who was probably not suitable working as a sales assistant. The manager might not show it, but I know she hates me the moment I said I want to quit.

Another thing: I couldn’t help but feel that I want to cry everytime my manager asks something that triggers me to feel intimidated to the point where I’m embarrasse crying in front of her. This happens in interviews too.

I don’t know why I’m like this. I’m embarrassed of myself. I keep questioning myself how could people stand sitting up for 12 hours. I also want to know why I always cry when I feel intimidated. I just want to work like everybody else, but my body can’t take it.

It’s been months since I’ve searched for jobs and not being accepted. I’m starting to think it’s karma. My mother keeps on pressuring me to find a job to the point where it became annoying I do not bother answering her anymore. I AM TRYING FOR GOD’S SAKE. And now she wants me to continue taking Master in university.

I honestly don’t want to continue studying anymore. I’m tired. I’ve been studying for 18 years. I explained this to my mom, but she just won’t understand. We always end up in an argument with this topic. She insists me to register anyway. And again, I just went silent. My father has nothing to say about this. He’s not that very involved in our decisions.

Just when I thought that after graduating is a chance for me to make my own decisions, it’s not. EVERYTHING is my mom’s decisions. I’ve gotten used to my mom making decisions for me I can’t make any decisions for myself. I feel confined. I can’t break free. I feel this guilt everytime I don’t follow her decision. I’m always afraid of disappointing her.

During my university days, I was given a $358 allowance every month by the government because I was qualified for the scholarship. I can’t remember having to buy anything for myself. If I did, I would always ask for my mom’s permission (again). My ATM card was not even in my hands. It was in my mom’s. I wanted to save a $100 each month, but the balance would be the minimum amount needed for the bank account to be active even before half a month. I do understand that the money is needed for my family needs. We aren’t a financially well off family. My dad and mom would always go to me and my sister’s university allowance when they run out of cash. My mom is a housewife, and well, my dad… his salary is just enough for one person.

I aspire to be something else. I know my family won’t support my decision. I know this may sound ridiculous and far-fetched, but If I have the chance to make my own decision, I would want to be a singer. I’m afraid to voice this out to my family. They would say it’s not a potentially stable job and has no guarantee it will succeed. My heart wants to sing. Then for what did I study 18 years in school for? I didn’t want to be a mathematician. Heck I don’t even know what I want to be!

I’m confused with my life. I’m tired of neing nagged by my mom when I obviously tried. She wants me to do this this this.

I’m not blaming my mom. I know she just wants the best for me seeing that I’m a jobless graduate for 7 months. I need her to understand me as I understand her. I crave for people’s support when I couldn’t even support myself. I feel pathetic. I start to envy my friends who got a job. I’m starting to have arguments with my mom often. I just want 2019 to be kinder to me.

I know I’m not going to get the things I want if I don’t even try to change the situation I’m in. I’m not motivated anymore. My mentality is drained figuring out what I should do. I’m just tired.