Super Heroes - Who Wins? in Thoughts On...

Sigh…

I am not a nerd enough to understand Superheroes.

I started watching Arrow last year and I enjoyed it enough. But now? I have zero clue about who any of these people are. The villains? The heroes? I am so lost. I never read comic books when I was younger. My only sibling is seven years older than me. And she’s a girl, so really Marvel & DC were never in our lives. I saw Superman (not sure which number) while sitting on a hotel window ledge on the drive in screen across the street. He was Superman or Clark Kent. I didn’t know of Smallville or Kal Pen, etc. I knew kryptonite was bad and Clark was hot for Lois Lane (who was a dog by the way). Lex Luther was bad and he had three henchmen. End of story. Simple. Well not so simple because Lois was carried/rescued by Superman, bedded him and did not realize he looked like Clark Kent? Glasses don’t make that much of a difference. Oh and on a totally side note, does anyone remember the big dance scene in Footloose (the original not that shitty remake) and the really hot guy who taught Ren how to drive tractor takes his glasses off and totally looks like Clark Kent (the original not Dean Cain)? Hot!

Then I watched Batman, the ones with Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer & George Clooney. Vicki Vale, the Penguin, the Joker, Poison Ivy, etc. I always marveled at how clueless the residents of Gotham were to not realize Bruce Wayne was Batman. Then came Christian Bale. By far the best in the long line of Batmans. But then he was the Dark Knight so…

Then Arrow. I still no nothing. I can’t figure out why a billionaire does not have a better hero costume. A fucking hoodie and some face paint? Seriously can people who look at him not get a little hint that he is Oliver Queen? I can suspend reality, but the logical side of me cannot let this go.

And now The Flash & Gotham? What? Oh and Ben Affleck is going to battle Superman in a movie? Is that right? Are they battling or are they teaming up? Because they are two different companies right? Marvel & DC?

On and The Avengers? Where the hell are they from? The Agents of S.H.E.I.L.D? Marvel yes? What do they do? I tried watching the first episode and was so incredibly lost and confused. I feel like I need some sort of college course to get me through these shoes. And where the hell does Spiderman fit in?

I did find out, through Twitter, that Starling City (Arrow) is kind of like Seattle and Gotham, I believe, is like New York. I do know that both cities have completely inept police departments. How Gordon remains the commissioner is beyond me. And don’t even get me started on Bane. I had to watch that movie with closed captioning because I could not understand one word he said. And how was that mask his life force? In a three hour movie, you think they could have spent a little less time on Batman being in the hole and a little more time explaining Bane.

In a fight, who wins? Batman or Superman? Superman can fly on his own and can leave the atmosphere. Batman has cool toys and vehicles. Both are seemingly unrecognizable when in their alter forms. Clark Kent makes probably zero money being a newspaper reporter? Is he a reporter? Bruce Wayne on the other hand makes a freaking boat load of cash by doing nothing. Superman has like one nemesis, Lex Luther, Batman on the other hand? Totally targeted by freaky people. Superman can shoot laser beams from his eyes. Right? Batman can’t do that. His car might be able to, but he can’t. It’s a tough call. In the world before gadgets and high tech, Superman probably wins hands down. But in today’s world? Batman would clean up right?

It’s a toss up on the actors really. Christopher Reeves was good, Dean Cain, not good. Michael Keaton, meh. Val Kilmer, hot but meh. George Clooney? Bat nipples? No. Christian bale, good. Ben Affleck? Jury’s out…sort of. And the other Supermans? I have never seen them so…meh?

Where the hell is Wonder Woman? That chick was awesome. Plus I had the Wonder Woman Underoos and I rocked the shit out of those (they were the only ones with a “bra”).