Live for today, but look forward to tomorrow in Book One: The Not So Daily Briefs 2014

Normally, I wouldn't put this here. It feels too... introspective, cerebral... less day-to-day if we take "Day-To-Day" to mean summaries of daily events. However, there really doesn't feel to be an equally appropriate place.

It is no surprise to those who know me but... I have interesting anger issues. I'm not the "bubbling cauldron of rage" that may come to mind when you hear "anger issues" buuuuut I have to be honest with myself. I do have anger issues. I am angry all the time. It is just a natural, immediate, unconscious reaction. The fact that I haven't exploded more often and more violently is actually a credit to both my upbringing and my concept of self-control. Even understanding that, I never really analyzed that anger. I never really tried to figure out where it comes from.

Having done that... I'm not thrilled with the answers. It is, obviously, multi-layered and I can't really directly pinpoint where it really started. But I think I have an understanding of some of the items that contributed to it and built it into what it is. Hopefully, I'll word this appropriately to make it apparent that I am taking responsibility when applicable but... if it looks like I'm being evasive or something- feel free to call me out on it.

To start with... let's cut right to the "bullied" chase. I was a great target as a kid because I was always in the bottom 5% for height. I was also thin as a rail and socially awkward. I remember literally running from kids because I didn't want to get made fun of, beaten up, or worse. I never learned to fight back. And back then? The only help that was ever offered to kids in my position was "Shake it off. It's no big deal. This too shall pass." From family, teachers, everybody.... I was even told by a few "alleged authority figures" that the way I should deal with being bullied was "to not be such an easy target." This really may have been the start of my anger issues. Partly because- I was angry at so many different sources. I was angry at the authority figures for doing nothing. I was angry with my peers for being spectators. I was angry with the bully for being a bully. And I was angry with myself for not being able to do as I was told. I was mad at myself for not being able to be "less of a target."

Story Time: I remember the very first time I felt so much anger my tiny body could barely contain it. I was probably about 9 years old and one of the local bullies was really pushing my buttons. He hadn't physically assaulted me at this time; but everything but. I was playing basketball at the park. He would steal my ball, throw it across the park, taunt me... he was pretty thorough and dedicated. After about 40 minutes, I'd had enough. I told him to shut the hell up, leave me alone and go die. So- he grabbed my basketball and started running to his house. I tried to chase after him, but as I got closer- he threw something in my path- I tripped and my nose started bleeding. His neighbors came out- saw how pissed I was, saw blood, and restrained me threatening to call my parents to get me in trouble. It didn't matter what I tried to say, I was "the aggressor" and I needed to "cool down." I still feel some rage when I think about it.

Of course, there's more. I don't know if it stemmed from being bullied or if it was more related to my own issues with lack of confidence and my problems with trusting others but.... As a kid, as a pre-adult, even NOW... I have a very difficult time around people I consider attractive. No matter how nice they may be, no matter how welcoming or anything... I just... have issues. I can't be comfortable, I'm convinced they have a sinister agenda and I'm convinced that initial kindness is a trap. And... I get angry about that... for two reasons. First, I get angry AT the individual. It isn't a conscious thing anymore. I get quiet and people will think I'm "shy" but really my mind is playing out all the scenarios of how the individual could make me feel bad and I get angry. Then, of course, my logical mind kicks in and I get angry at myself for being that kind of a jerk. AaAaAaAnd - - - if the individual is ACTUALLY as bad as I instinctively think that adds MORE layers. Because my initial anger is enhanced (because now it is legitimate) and my anger at myself is redoubled because I doubted myself and wound up in the exact situation that I was trying to avoid!

A small one that is like the angry little dwarf in the back of my mind; when I was an actor, there were times when I would miss a line, miss a cue, something like that. I vividly remember each and every time where I made a mistake like that. Sometimes, they will pop into my conscious mind for no reason and I have to literally swallow my anger... keep it from exploding because it would be insane to try to explain to someone- "I'm in a shitty mood because I'm angry at myself for an acting mistake from 1996!"

As I got into High School and College, the anger stemmed both from reactions to certain situations that have never left my mind (KI) as well as the increasing intensity of my pain condition. After a cursory study, one of the most common "coping mechanisms" of people with my condition is anger. We feel anger, and feel it strongly, as a way of forcing ourselves to just get through the pain.

As I've grown older... of course this issue with my wife makes me angry. It connects back to my issues with attractive people, my issues with rejection, I mean... a spouse that wants nothing physically to do with her husband for over 2 years... I would hope my own pain and anger over that is understandable and somewhat appropriate. However... the other item deserves analysis.

As well as all the other anger issues that I still, foolishly, carry around... there is this deep sense of regret about past inaction that makes me mad at my past self and mad at my current self. I never really... lived a lifestyle of leisure. I read about or hear about or witness people.... living their life. Even when I would go clubbing back in the day... it wasn't "living my life." I always had the "Pastor or Lawyer" thing in my head which means.... as a pastoral candidate, ethical living; a hopeful lawyer, law school applications require both a legal and ethical examination into your past behavior. So... no "living it up." And (yes, especially considering my current situation) I so desperately wish I had! I regret not sleeping around. I regret never breaking the law in regards to alcohol or narcotics. I regret never being a party of a wild story. There is only a small finite window of time where behavior of that nature is considered "passably acceptable" and... I missed that window. I watched the years of available youthful indiscretion pass me by. And I'm very angry with myself about that. But, ha ha ha, I'm angry about being angry. I made the choice not to engage in "Youthful Fun" because I was looking to my future; trying to make sure my future would go as smoothly as possible. So... all this anger about being responsible? It doesn't make sense. So I'm bothered that I am so angry about wasting those years.

Clearly, I have anger issues. But... the bottom line of what I've been seeing... most of my anger issues stem from anger within myself and with myself. Low Self Esteem, Difficulty Trusting Others, Issues With Memory, Pain Disorder, Regret... my reaction is anger but all of that stuff isn't external triggers... it is all stuff that just lives inside of me.