seeking shelter in 2018

7:55pm

I realized, about a half hour ago, that tomorrow is New Year’s Eve.
When did that happen? How did that sneak up on me so quickly?!

I’ve done a lot this year, some times it feels like it was far more than I’ve ever done before, but it still feels like it went by so quickly. Too quickly. Always catches me off guard.

Not sure if I’m ready to go back to work. There are some people I’ll enjoy seeing and being able to listen to their stories, but I also know it’s going to be a crazy year. So many changes! I don’t feel as prepared as I should be and suddenly I’m going to get thrown into the middle of the ocean and hope I have figured out how to swim.

I don’t have any plans for the end of the year. I’d like to spend it alone, taking a shot of tequila at midnight to cheers goodbye to my past and tell the last 5 months to f*ck off, but alas I’ll probably spend it with mom as if it were any other day of the year. She decided not to go with any of her friends this year and so here we are.

I just reminded her about it a bit ago and she said we didn’t go anywhere because I didn’t want to. I said that she could have gone without me and she made up some bs about not wanting to leave me behind. Except I’m totally volunteering to be left! I like being alone. I want to be alone to reflect, and sob, and laugh, and let go of all of these terrible feelings inside of me.

Then, as we went back and forth for a bit, she finally said that if she left I would open the door to TF.... sigh.. I know that’s seriously what she’s thinking too! As if that ever mattered. I immediately said something like, “why the f*ck would I do that?” And she said I did it before. To which I replied that that was true but it had very clearly been a mistake. I reiterated [b/c we had a similar convo not that long ago about him and I. ugh.] that I have absolutely no reason to talk to him, outside of work, and if that wasn’t enough, I’m pretty sure he has a gf and therefore will not be hanging around here. She didn’t say anything else.

And I put my headphones on and started typing this, as was my plan but I’d been procrastinating.

She doesn’t get it though. I would love to be in a place where I could talk to him all day long. Where he would come to his brother’s house to celebrate and they would invite me over. Or he’d come over and finally kiss me at midnight.

But we’re not in that place. At all. And she doesn’t realize that that crushes me. That I am trying so hard right now to control these tears that are welling in my eyes and looking for an escape. Because as absolutely stupid as it is, I still want him right now and I’m not over it yet.

Some day none of this will matter, but right now my soul is aching and I cannot figure out how to fix it. It completely consumes me. To the point where I dread looking out my window because I’m afraid I’ll see his truck at the mailbox. Every time I hear a car door that’s too close; I wonder. And I am hoping and praying that they do not get together at his brother’s house tomorrow because I have no where to go and I cannot stand to see him right now. It gives me so much anxiety no matter how desperately I try to ignore it. This is supposed to be my safe space and I have no where else to go to get away. I hate that I’ve lost my sanctuary.

Anyway, as much as I don’t feel ready to go back to work, I think it will actually be really good for me this year. I need the distraction, probably more than I ever have before. Staying busy, and away from these windows, will keep my mind from wandering back into the darkness - over and over again.

Obviously the tough days will be the ones where I run into all of his family. They pretty much all come at the beginning of the year though so that’ll get it out of the way early. I imagine he’ll come back too but that should be over by mid-February the latest. I don’t think he’ll call this year so maybe just a quick drop off of his stuff and then an appointment to finish it up. Shouldn’t take much time. There’s no longer a reason for him to linger. I’m sure he’ll want to get it over with as quickly as I do.

I’m currently stuck in this constant back and forth about how I’ll act around him. Do I smile, and flirt, and mess around like we always have in the past? Forgetting every thing that happened and just starting fresh. Do I let him see how sad and broken I’ve become? How hurt I am about the whole thing. Do we pretend there was never any thing between us and go back to when we’d say only a couple words to each other in courteous greeting?
The latter is the one I figure we’ll go with. Back when I was still invisible. When I watched him from afar and never in a million years imagined that he would ever notice me. I know I’ll probably just take my cue from him. And my feelings are that he’s going to be a little standoffish and serious. We’ll see, but that’s how I imagine it’ll go. As if none of it ever existed outside of my head. Because honestly, maybe it didn’t. Perhaps it was all my own cruel fantasy.

You see how I can’t seem to talk about anything else right now? I know that’ll get better some day. Give it some time. Just like I told him: don’t hold any of this against me. I’m sorry.

rose.
8:35pm