I choose me in Love & War

Dear love,

You probably can’t understand it, but I had to let you go.
Being with you was chipping away at pieces of me, and holding onto you meant letting go of myself. You were tearing me down, love, whether you knew it or not, whether you cared or not, and I know now that I could never ever be strong enough for both of us. I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you needed. I’m sorry I had to set you free even when you clearly wanted me to try and catch you. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you from yourself. I’m sorry for all of these things, but I can’t be sorry for choosing myself over you.
You wanted me to want you, but at what cost? You wanted me to love you unconditionally, but did you do the same? You wanted me to stop you from leaving, but would you fight just as hard for me?
Even now, it hurts to think about all the potential we lost. We could have been the best duo this world has ever seen. We could have built a whole life around our love. We could have had everything we ever wanted. We could have been happy, dammit.
But I couldn’t have built our life together by myself. I know you have a lot of insecurities, love, and there are a lot of demons that you need to battle on your own, but I want you to know that I would have been there with you every step of the way. I would have loved every part of you as you worked through your issues and tackled your past. I would have gladly shared your burden and struggled with you.
I think back to the end of our relationship and think about what would have happened if I’d done some things differently. Maybe I should have tried a little harder with you. Or maybe I shouldn’t have put so much pressure on you. Maybe I should have backed off a little and given you some space. Maybe I should have hidden our relationship a little longer so we could have enjoyed our bubble for a little longer.

…but coulda, woulda, shoulda…

All of these thoughts mean nothing because you’re gone now, and maybe I’ll find someone else in the future, and maybe I’ll love him the way I loved you, and maybe we’ll get married and have 10 kids and a house in the suburbs, and maybe I’ll finally experience some semblance of happiness.
But I know you’ll always be in the back of my mind. I know I’ll always love you some kind of way and I’ll always remember the potential I saw in you and in us. I’ll always wonder what would have happened if we cared enough to see this thing through. I’ll always want to know what you’re up to, whether you defeated your demons or not, whether you think about me or not, whether you miss me or not, whether you found a good girl or not, whether you’re finally happy too or not. I’ll care because that’s who I am, and I need to preserve that part of me. That’s why I had to leave you, love. I did everything I could to save us and I know you can’t say the same, so I had to walk away because if I had stayed, you would have destroyed every grain of good in me. So I’m slowly and painfully gathering up my remaining pieces and starting over without you, but you’ll always have a special part of me, and I’ll always have a part of you.

Last updated December 28, 2018