Stage 5: Acceptance in Love & War
- Dec. 12, 2018, 10:26 p.m.
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- Public
I’m still healing from what you did to me.
I’m processing, I’m understanding, and gradually, I’m accepting.
When we first broke up, I hated you, I cursed you, I hoped you would end up with all the known diseases in the world as you slept with an endless line of girls.
I forgot about everything good that you did, which wasn’t even that extensive a list to begin with. I forgot about all the love that I felt with you, how much fun we had, the incredible future that I saw with you. Most importantly, I forgot about the happiness I experienced.
The truth is that I wanted to forget it all. I wanted to paint you as the bad guy in this narrative of my pain and anger. I wanted to spend the rest of my life hating you, but at the same time I wanted to pretend that you never existed.
Our last interaction wasn’t the ideal “goodbye.” I still replay it in my mind, even now. You came to pick up your things and you were upset. I don’t know why you were so angry. Maybe you conveniently forgot that you were the one who didn’t love me anymore. You didn’t look at me, you barely talked to me, and I tried to be upbeat about the whole situation because you said you wanted to be friends and I was ok with that. I asked you friendly questions, all of which you refused to answer. I joked around about keeping your piggy bank, to which you said no. I helped you carry your luggage to your car even though you tried to stop me. You returned my apartment keys and told me that this is where we end. I started to accept that as soon as you drove away without looking back.
As time passed, I slowly started to emerge from my bubble of heartache and began turning to my friends and integrating myself into the world again. I’m finally starting to forget all of the terrible things that you did to me and I’m remembering all the good things about you, all the terrifyingly intense feelings you gave me. I don’t know about you, but I felt so much love for you that it overwhelmed me. I never felt this much for anyone before, the good and the bad. I was so scared about how disgustingly happy I was for those few months we were together, and I was constantly on high alert waiting for something bad to happen. I guess that something ended up happening sooner rather than later.
I’m tired of blaming you for everything, even though it was your weakness that ruined us. I wish you could have been stronger for us. I wish you could have been braver, I wish that you loved me more, I wish you tried a little harder, fought a little more. I wish I wish I wish…
But that’s the opposite of love, isn’t it, wishing for someone to be something that they’re not.
I’m at that point now where I can forgive you for your weaknesses, I can accept that this is who you really are. You run away from conflict, you look for the path of least resistance, you give up easily even when you know that you’ve found something great, you’re insecure, you’re fragile, you’re a narcissist, you’re ashamed of your past, you’re afraid of intimacy. This is who you are and I accept that. I can’t change you, and I don’t want to change you.
I just saw something in you that made me cling on to the hope that you wanted to change yourself, and I wanted to be there for you to support you while you took on that challenge. I wanted to be your “one,” like how you were mine.
I accept that we’re never going to be together in this life and while that sucks, I’m trying hard every day to appreciate what we had and not be too greedy for your love. You gave me what you could and in return, I gave you everything I had. Looking back now, I’m not sure it was a fair trade, but at the time it was more than enough for me. You were more than enough for me.
I won’t be able to say these words to you since you probably wouldn’t want to hear them anyway, but thank you for showing me what real love and affection could feel like. Thank you for showing me that I should be with a man who is willing to fight for me, a man who will choose me, only me, and continue to choose me every single day. Thank you for showing me that I deserve better than someone like you, and that love should be a beautiful, sexy tango with 2 active partners. Thank you.
I hope you find your path of least resistance, and I hope it makes you as happy as you obviously think it will.
I’ll end this post with some wise words from the great Ariana Grande: thank u, next.
Last updated December 19, 2018
Down the rabbit hole... ⋅ December 13, 2018
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