Bollocks and Damn in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

  • Dec. 26, 2018, 1:22 p.m.
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So, since I couldn’t sleep last night, I am 100% exhausted today. Just sitting at my desk, in pain, fighting the passionate urge to close my eyes and drift off to sleep. That is what I want to do today.

Instead, I have come to work, e-mailed our Marriage Counselor, talked with our Victim/Witness Coordinator, and tried to do some work. There isn’t anything to do for court today so unless something comes up, there just isn’t a massive reason to be here other than to make sure I am at least somewhat earning my paycheck.

Meanwhile, it is genuinely next to impossible to keep my damned eyes open. So that’s my day.

Actually… that and farting. And then going to Wife’s Aunt’s house. And fantasizing about sexy times. THAT is my day.

How tired I am? I just read everything I wrote and by the time I finished I had thought. “Wow. This guy’s day is just like mine!” Because I had already forgotten I was reading my own Prosebox.

As for actual Christmas? Friends… loud, chaotic, and claustrophobic are not words I particularly enjoy for my Holiday. But that is what it was. Another reason, perhaps, why I couldn’t sleep last night. After 3 days of loud and chaotic, returning to my quiet and comforting home may have tripped my brain to say “Stay up. Fucking enjoy this! You haven’t had a moment’s peace in days!!”
Christmas Haul was acceptable. Parents gave Wife and I enough money to finance 63% of our Home Theater Purchase. Got Spider-man PS4 and Stein’s Gate 0 PS4 along with 3 classic sci fi books. So… not brilliant but acceptable. I’m going to purchase My Hero One’s Justice, Soul Calibur 6 and Defenders of the Realm at some point for myself. And (at this point lets be super honest) if I were more learned in obtaining; I’d probably get a high class prostitute as well. But as that is entirely out of the question, I probably shouldn’t have brought it up.

Oh… in completely unrelated news and to absolutely zero fan fare or announcement… I won my family’s Fantasy Football this year. Super Bowl champs. So yay on me there, I suppose.

Maybe it is because I’m so tired right now. Maybe it is because I’m acutely upset at my current lack of physical love life… but I find my thoughts turning to Aoife in an… enthusiastic manner. Not just the physical fun we had, but our friendship. She didn’t want to be my girlfriend because I’d already fucked up too many things in our friendship but… if I had been able to convince her? Different paths, eh.

As to current paths going forward..... it is my extreme and passionate wish that our house will be “Suitable for Company” sometime between February 3 and February 24. I’ll take photos and stuff. And then… who knows. I may just live in the basement some nights. I know that is a genuine concern for Wife; as she does not want me to live in the basement and would rather I be upstairs with her and in her bed. But just laying in bed, looking at the ceiling, or looking at her and feeling… well… like we’re SO CLOSE to being where we need to be.... but also SO FAR from where we need to be… I would just rather avoid it, I think. If we’re going to be room mates only, I’d rather occupy a space where I can play video games and masturbate at my leisure. Perhaps that is a bit crass but it is honest.

And as my being super tired mixes with my super pain mixes with my other negative thoughts… an old traditional thought crosses my mind. It is impossible. It will never be a reality. It simply isn’t practical. But the thought pops up anyway. What if I could send myself back through the Phone Wave Real Name TBA?

When would I send myself?
July 30, 1998
What are some of the larger, more important things that I would change?
I would spend my time more wisely. Namely, I would study harder. Be more concentrated on my Theater work. Also, set earlier goals for my swimming and seek out assistance for those goals earlier. I would want to maintain at least a 3.0 average and by the end of my swimming career, I would have wanted to reach the 1 minute 100 Butterfly time. As it was, I think I did a 2.8 and only got as fast as a 1:09 100 Fly. I would skip pursuing Jenny. I’d probably skip pursuing T2 as well. IF I could fit it in between working, swimming, acting, orchestra, church, and my education… I would have gone after Amanda maybe, playfully not like a SERIOUS relationship… which would be another massive change. I allowed my parents and my faith to make me think that if I was dating in High School, I couldn’t have fun with it… I had to try to be in SERIOUS relationships. So I may have had a fun relationship with her. Honestly don’t know if I would have pursued Buffy. It is hard for me to decipher if our dating relationship with no physical relationship made us better friends or not. I certainly would have gone after S.S. Shiley. I anticipate that would have either gone well OR we would have irritated each other into a break up. If S.S. didn’t work out, I would have lavished my attention onto Aoife. I wouldn’t fuck up as much this time. I’d go watch her dance recitals and visit her as often as I could. In college, I wouldn’t have wasted two years towards a theater degree I never received. I would have double majored in Religious Studies and Communication with a double minor in Ethics and Pre-Law.
Would you use your Future Knowledge to gamble or benefit yourself financially?
Yes, but only out of a ‘courage to do what I wanted anyway’ perspective. I received a fairly substantial check (a few) when I graduated from High School. I completely WASTED the money on buying my own Cello. INSTEAD, I should have invested it in Apple stock. I would do that this time. Lets say that I had invested all $5,000 into Apple stock when I graduated from High School. If I held on to it, it would now be worth: $532,812. So… you’re damned right I would invest. I’d invest my Graduation Money and likely a substantial amount of my Work Money as well. I mean… it was pretty cool being an 18 year old with $10,000 in savings. But investing it? Investing the $10,000 I’d saved up AND the Graduation Money? Would be $1,598,436.00. Millionaire by the time I hit 30. That… wouldn’t be so bad.
Any minor changes that you think would have made a difference?
I would have done the College Housing thing 100% differently, even though I know my parents would have objected. Instead of doing Random Roommate in the Twin Towers for my first year of school, I would have (instantly upon arriving) filed a Room Request Form articulating a desire to be in a Solo Room on the third floor of Campbell. Doing so would have avoided a lot of unpleasantness and would have made it easier to make friends earlier. Plus, having a solo room would have allowed me a larger amount of freedom of space and emotion to handle the transition to college. It also would have been excellent in the event that Aoife and I were still together as she was not willing to visit when I had a roomie, but likely would have been overjoyed to visit had I room to myself. Plus, a lot of my social phobias and anxieties that we didn’t even really know about then would have been much easier to deal with. All in all, a small change that would have significantly impacted my college experience in important fundamental ways.

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Reflection December 26, 2018

As for high class prostitutes, "if the President can do it, it's probably legal" . Lol

caramelchicken December 26, 2018 (edited December 26, 2018)

Edited

I'm quite worried about you dude. You are really struggling, from what you've been writing. And it's no good to dwell on the past and how much better your life might be if you'd done things differently. It's okay to grieve for a while for what you feel you missed out on. I did that. But then you have to move forwards, or it'll keep making you miserable.

Why is getting a high class prostitute out of the question?

Park Row Fallout caramelchicken ⋅ December 27, 2018

The funny thing, unfortunate thing is... in so many ways things are the best they've ever been. Which allows me to focus on my marriage. As I'm no longer struggling to survive in a toxic job trying to kill me, as I'm no longer struggling to survive a community that considers success anathema... I now have the opportunity to say, "What in my life needs fixing now?" And it is (1) healthy habits; and (2) my marriage.

My largest issue with past focus is that I've been obsessed with Time Travel since I was 6. And even then, it was the prospect of the Past that drove it. I needn't hear the future, it will come in time. But the past.. the things that we accept as truth, are they true? The things that we think were "shaping moments"... were they really, or was it something smaller that we never would have remembered. Things like that. But also, for me in things like this? I feel like I emotionally matured VERY late. Like... in my 20s late. And I regret the hurt I did to others out of ignorance and the opportunities missed out of immaturity.

One of the reasons why I'd like things to work in the now. Because now... I'm finally in the right job... I'm finally in the right place... I'm finally in the right house... but my marriage is wildly unfulfilling. The last piece of the puzzle.

High Class Prostitute is out for three distinct reasons.
(1) My county is far too small, word would get out and it would end my career.
(2) My job is to prosecute criminal matters. As all prostitution is illegal in this state, I would have to set up an explicit "sex tourism" trip. Not that I'd mind... frankly, if I could do "made to order" I'd explore the dozen or so things I've always wanted to do... but it would require using vacation time to travel and.... as my Wife and I still haven't gone on vacation by ourselves... I imagine she would object to me taking vacation time traveling somewhere with the sole intention to obtain a prostitute.
(3) I can assure you that the sex for money trade in my neck of the woods is less "Beautiful Russian and Czech Women" and more "Methed Out Middle Aged Hillbilly Women." I'd rather prefer champagne with Svetlanna as opposed to Busch Lite with Mabel. lol

caramelchicken Park Row Fallout ⋅ January 02, 2019

It makes sense that everything else in your life being great then really puts into focus your marriage. You're not being picky for still being unhappy, anyone would be if they kept getting rejected by their spouse.

stargazing December 26, 2018

You sound really down. I wish things were better for you. :(

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