trying to dissect my irrational thoughts in Sometimes I feel dead inside

are lust and idealization the ingredients of a crush? i haven’t been crushing in a while, its nice to know that I can still feel things like that for another person. As it was I had gotten concerned with my apathy, that it was a near complete numbness. i’m sure the time of year isn’t hurting this as well. Maybe its cause my crush talked to me today, it was pretty funny as I noticed that I could feel blood in my face and ears after talking to her. I didn’t even really make eye contact. Which I immediately regretted, but I’m not trying to get with her for a number of reasons, first off my infatuation is problematic as I am not acting completely rational. I was told recently that she also has a bf she’s living with, the one part of my brain doesn’t care but its the predator part that is way too over confident, then there’s the other part that says to back off because of that. However that part of my brain has often times backed down from lots of things I shouldn’t have and isn’t nearly confident enough. She’s been friendly to me, which could be read either way. I’m not pining away all the time, fortunately I have that much control over my brain. When she’s nearby I get stupid. Which sucks, and the couple of conversations we’ve had haven’t inspired me with confidence or dread. Though I’ve not made it much of a secret either, I did tell her friend I was crushing on her. Which is how I found out about the bf, I was able to joke about it. Which is fine I don’t care if she knows. I’m more annoyed with my brain/emotional whatever that seems determined to sabotage me. All this blood in my face can’t be good for me. the crush doesn’t stop me from going out/seeing/sleeping with other women. thats why I question this infatuation, I don’t think about her all the time, just when I see her. It doesn’t bother me that I’m sleeping with women who aren’t her. I’m not happy she’s got a bf, but I’m not gutted and depressed. Its more like oh well on to the next thing. Even with that news, theres still the infuriating infatuation, I don’t even know anything about her really. this is fine, as I don’t like how flustered I’ve gotten. i’m pretty sure I haven’t done anything crazy like social network stalking. I mean it doesn’t make sense to do that. in summation, I’d rather be drunk dealing with this than being infatuated with little to no reason. I hate not being in control of my feelings, I literally will not act on them until they are subdued if at all. the good news is my rational part of my head usually wins out, and I know I’m not going to get depressed about it.