should I though? in 2018

4:40pm

Let’s talk about something different for a change, shall we?

I’m debating on going to the aquarium with the client on Thursday. He asked me last night while we were discussing today’s rocket launch [which was cancelled for a 3rd time..]. I guess his brother’s coming to town and they’re going to go. You know the dude knows me pretty well now too because he almost immediately mentioned that it would be his brother and his gf, and his parents joining as well.

I don’t know though? That’s a bunch of people that I don’t know. It sounds like an introvert’s nightmare! Also, I just got into the aquarium for free about 2 weeks ago; do I really want to pay $50 to get in and see the exact same thing? It seems very couple-y too. Like every one is all paired off and do I want to be the client’s pair? haha. I almost feel a little bad for him that he’ll end up the 5th wheel if I don’t go.

How much do I really care though? Is it worth the anxiety? Also, why the heck do I let dumb things like this cause me anxiety? I can’t imagine it would be terrible. It’s the aquarium for Pete’s sake! There’s cute little fishies swimming around every where [I almost said flying haha].

I guess it’s just the idea of hanging out all day with a bunch of strangers. I’m sure we’d all get along fine. I’m excellent at bs-ing my way through life! But what if I suddenly get overwhelmed? Or they start asking me questions? Or they think I’m his girlfriend?! haha.

He just sent me a text asking if I’d changed my mind on going and when I replied that I was debating, he tried to remind me that I am supposed to say “yes” more this year. Hmm? I think I might have actually said that at some point this year as he’s been trying to get me out of my own little bubble. Damn it…

What to do…what to do?

I’m doing better today, just fyi.

I am trying really very hard to remind myself that I am the only one causing all this pain. My thoughts are literally making me sick [I also suspect that all this emotional drama is what’s caused this health flare-up after so many years of being relatively ok.] So I’m trying some different things to try to get my head on straight before I resort to shelling out hundreds of dollars for a therapist to tell me how screwed up I already know I am. =\

Mostly just gonna try positive thinking type stuff for now. Signed up for tiny buddha to send me articles every work day. That started yesterday and so far so good. I’ve always loved that website. I read a lot of stuff on there a few years ago when that puzzle piece fell into place and I was finally ready to escape the darkness. Pretty weird to be back in that place again. I honestly never thought I would ever be back here. It feels so foreign and yet so very familiar.

This morning I let myself dwell for a little bit and then I reminded myself that I’m strong, and independent, and absolutely freaken amazing - that’s the feeling I held on to today and the one I would like to hold on to every single day. I cannot let the negative thoughts consume me.

One man’s opinion cannot be the death of me. This is what happens when I’ve spent my whole life running away from people before they could even attempt to hurt me. There had to be at least one at some point, right? Better now than later. Get the damn thing over with so I can move on with my life and my own happiness.

That’s all really for now. I have my good days and my bad ones. This time’s going to be different though. Maybe I’ll finally learn to fix myself without any outside influence. Maybe that’s the lesson I was supposed to receive? You just never know these days.

rose.
11:24pm