My Email To BT in 2014: The Year That Was

dear BT: You Suck Monkey Balls I'm shocked, disappointed, frustrated, and angry. About 30 calls to get my line setup...eventually takes almost 2 months. 20 more calls. You offer Goodwill Gesture. I light a virtual firework in celebration!

Ho, ho, ho it’s December and you’ve offered to refund the Goodwill Gesture into BT account. Let’s do a little dance, make a little love, and get down to night, get down to night! So yay for being in credit for a few months!

YAY - Lots of notes on the account to back this up. Though even the ‘lots’ isn’t a ‘all’ because those wonderful supervisors you employ (of which everyone I’ve spoken to appears to be?) keep forgetting to update my tickets. Obviously too busy supervising. So imagine how anger I am when my Bank inform me that you’ve presented a D/D twice, not once, twice! And woe is me, as I wasn’t expecting this I’ve now incurred bank charges ironically due to the Goodwill Gesture you’ve made to me. The sky’s falling in so I must be Chicken Little?

Back on the dog and bone barking lots, another 10 calls in. Comprenez-vous les mots qui sortent de ma bouche ? I want BT to pay the changes as it was BTs error that caused these, even with the lack of updates on my account this much is at least documented, the offer, the failure, the charges… ‘I’m sorry. So sorry, we’re sorry. 2secs, let me check with someone? They’re sorry now too. Ok sorry, I’m sorry you’re angry that I keep saying sorry. So sorry for that. 'OK sir can you send in your statements to our address? Sorry.’ 'Why no sir I can't as they're all online. Give me an email address and I can email them to you?' 'I’m not authorised to give out my email address, just the BT one' - Didn’t you just claim you’re a manager?!

Hitting world records for lack of service, 60 going on 70, I have you on speed dial above pizza and ambulance. - Can we exchange Christmas cards I’ve spoken to you more times in the last few months than I have my entire family over the last 20 years! So sorry sir. How can I help? FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK STOP SAYING SORRY! I would like (well many things not restricted to the ability to send subconscious electric shocks straight into the neural receptors of complete and other fuckwits that act completely and utterly fuckwitterly when they’re meant to the guys with the answers! I would settle for an email address (obviously more prized than platinum) I can email my online screen grabs of my bank account highlighting the charges to. I will no longer deal via phone due to the record levels of stupid, ignorant, and dumbasses I’ve been privileged with speaking to during this epic failure of a handling of an escalation. I’m emailing you guys from this point on so we have proof because, let’s be honest, you guys are about as shifty as a shifty looking fella standing at a 35 degree angle!

I know BT claim it’s good to talk. I feel this is false advertising as this is certainly not the case with your dear super-staff. DO NOT PHONE. I need legal proof so please deal only via email with me now. Send me this email address so I can send you my bank statements, show me the money, and may we all sincerely pray that I never have the unfortunate luck to have to deal with you guys again! Sincerely sarcastically, Richard O’Brien ‘losing the will to live one BT support phone call at a time’

p.s Here’s some jokes to lighten your mood

How many BT staff does it take to change a light bulb? 9 to investigate and 1 to tell you 2 months later it’s not a service they provide.

What’s the different between BT and a condom? You get some enjoyment from a condom.