Suicidal tendencies, to do list keeps me going in Misadventures of West Virginia Woman

Some days my mental health is better other days worse. On my suicidal days i remind myself of all the things i need to do instead commit suicide. If i do not accomplish all my goals i keep adding these goals to a list that goes longer and longer. I cant kill myself because my list is infinite. I am always finding a new goal. My favorite goal is die of natural causes and old age! When i talk to psychiatrists about my list they say i am not suicidal enough to really commit and deny services.

If making excuses to keep going on is wrong i dont want to be right. I remind myself nothing else happens beside me rotting after death. I cant go on vacation, pet my cats or someday be a mother. I sometimes get the urge to harm myself to remind myself my body must remain healthy to complete my suicide list to old age! I am always avoiding death by completing my goals. After 1 goal is completed i add 4 or 5 more. Always an excuse to keep going.

I am depressed anyone who knows me knows this but i try best i can to go to work be a functional adult.

Right now i am battling an inflamed boil on my chin. I have been cleaning it putting Neosporin on it with a bandaid i hope it heals soon. I need to learn to care for my skin better.

I got next 2 days off. I plan to sleep i might talk to the church about my depression see if they have any tips to deal with it. Maybe i should teach a class about avoiding suicide with projects and to do lists.

I am very interested in off the grid living i hope someday to build a tiny house. I cant afford it right now but i can research it. As you can tell my to do list gets ever longer. Keep living keep going.