I’m in two minds, in an awkward situation in Sometimes I feel dead inside

this part of the year gets me super reflective. Almost like clockwork it brings me down, infuriates me, then pushes me to push myself to the breaking point. Its too predictable, hell I can look at my post from about a year ago and see the same thing. this time though I have something to show for my past year, the project has kept me focused on it. Its the thing I’ve done this year to stave off the insanity from the mundane. I’ve pretty much given up on any romantic relationship. Yeah there are others who are trying their best to keep me from doing that, I just don’t care. Its amazing how strong the apathy and nihilistic resignation are, there’s very little I care about. My family being the top one, other than that there’s not much, my friends have gotten lost in the last year. Not abandoned, just neglected, and I’ve gotten bored of the various dramas that unfold. I’d rather just stay at home on the weekends and read a book. Though I’ve started having the occasional drink at home, just relaxing. Drinking alone on the weekends cause I don’t want to go out. Cause its the same mess, the same people doing the same thing. I’m lost as to how I’ve gotten so old. I can’t be that old. I keep expecting to have my parents wake me up and me to find out I’m still in high school. In my old bedroom, it doesn’t make any sense, I’ve not nearly accomplished enough. Even with the game plan I have its still not the adventure I expected. i’m not lonely, I’m just surprised that I’m not more heavily involved, that its all just casual flings, that I don’t care about them not being more on the individual level, more surprised that over all there’s nothing, more like the concept. i’m intrigued by the idea of being in a more serious relationship, but I get bored so easy. If I can’t have fun, if they can’t provide me with what I’d like and its all give I just get bored. Sure sex is nice, but I’m bored of the constant need for emotional support as these women stumble from one horrible situation to the next, even though it really is trivial and they just needed a good cry. I’m tired of being the shoulder to cry on and always being supportive, even if that support is just being honest. Its all the same thing, its almost like I just keep seeing the same girl over and over. If I didn’t have my creative projects I’d lose my mind. I’m writing a movie, its pretty amazing how much of its done, I’m going to do the storyboards once I finish the dialog, which based on my process needs to be revised 2 more times. Though sometimes I get a flash of inspiration that causes me to write an insane amount. Got hit a couple weeks ago and knocked out half of the script. Very exciting, more exciting than interacting with most humans. This year was tough though I did lose a lot of people, with the last coming earlier in the week. I’m sick of people passing away, I’m don’t feel sad anymore just nothing. There are the occasional moments where things hit me, and it hits me hard for a couple minutes. I’m happy most of the time though, disappointed in the life goals department but enjoying the day to day, week to week deal. I had a good year, but still am not satisfied with my accomplishments. Maybe because I know I could do more, I could work harder, I could push myself to what I want. But I don’t really want to in the short term. I don’t want to work on the script tonight, I don’t want to go to the gym , I don’t want to wake up early, I don’t want to do anything but zone out. Maybe play video games, read books or watch tv, just anything other than what I should do. Motivation for certain things just doesn’t seem to exist. Though if I spend a couple days at home doing nothing I have to do a lot. Its very perplexing. I wonder if its worth figuring it all out, or at least attempting.