naughty things to do with ear holes. in Sometimes I feel dead inside

I talked to the girl that left the country. We talked over Skype for hours. It's funny to see her insecurities still prevalent. It's funny to realize how hung up on me she was/is and how it can never be. Plus her lack of a problem with nudity and me is always a perk. I'm not going to lie I'm not dead and she has a very attractive body. It took everything in me not to have sex with her on multiple occasions. She's never asked me why but there were 2 very distinct reasons. She was claiming to be in love with a guy and he wasn't me. If I slept with her she'd fall in love with me and wouldn't do something with her life. And things would've become very awkward, I would've had to deal with her exes that frequently show up. But the big thing is I probably would've let her meet my family. Which is a huge deal, that's when they know it's for real. It would've been as well. I probably would've married that girl. But she will never know that and I have no intention of ever telling her. i am not as regretful as i sound. it was the reasonable, smart and best move for both of us. she will just be another girl in a long line of girls that i got close to and then let go. its weird how they always end up living somewhere else other than where i do. i am not sure if that's a blessing or a curse. i feel things changing in my head. my perception becoming more calloused. my expectations changing even more. i'm not bitter, i'm frustrated. i'm doing this workout program because i no longer want that to be an excuse. i've been pushing for greater things in my life. my muse has responded appropriately. she's been hitting me at the most bizarre times in the most bizarre places, and not just a oh that's a cool idea. no i spent most of my friday night to saturday morning churning out material. its something to be proud of i guess. i've started thinking about my life's plan and where i want to go or do. thinking about the whole career thing. thinking about how a lot of things have not gone my way but i'm still breathing so that's a start. i've also become quick to anger. i've been getting angry at inanimate objects, i've been throwing things. i don't know if thats due to my working out, or if its due to something else. i don't maybe i'm just being crazy.