Internal Drama in New Beginnings

I’ve been talking to Erika about a couple of times a week for at least a couple of hours each call. Conversations are always relaxed an easy. We talk about how our week is going, challenges we’re facing, triumphs we’ve achieved, and so forth.

Every since we’ve met, the physical yearning to be together has definitely become stronger. Peculiar how human it is to set a limit, overstep that limit with mental gymnastics while technically abiding by it. Erika and I have both never had sex, and we’ve agreed that we won’t do so until (and if) we get married. That’s another topic for another entry, but without writing a treatise on the subject, the physical affection usually grows emotional attachment, and we’d both rather not progess that attachment until we can do so without the risk of heartbreak if things don’t work out. I even agreed do her not wanting to kiss until marriage. Conveniently, having a “No Kissing” and “No Sex” policy leaves plenty of other ways to shows affection. Inconveniently, the end result of those other forms of affection are increased passion and emotional attachment.

When we met in Nashville, we spent almost the entire time cuddling together. She indulged me of my long time romantic fantasy of holding a woman in my arms and gently caressing the more innocent areas of her body. I caressed her back, shoulder, forearms, tummy, and gave her foot massages. I brought a scalp massager and used it on her when I wasn’t massaging her face, neck, and shoulders. It was all so easy and natural.

After parting ways that weekend, we continued our normal routine of talk a couple of times a week and text on days when we can’t talk. Our texts have become hotter and heavier. At times, we’ll discuss how we want to hold each other, how we would each gratify the other if we were present. Our conversations would often in with phone cuddling (if that’s a thing, and if it isn’t, we just invented it) in which we would talk about how badly we wish we were with each other.

Over Thanksgiving, she flew over to DC to visit my siblings with me (I flew up from Georgia). I introduced her to my brother, sister, and my sister’s family, and everything went well. When we weren’t socializing, we’d steal away to the guest bedroom and hold each other. Just as I described in our texts, I’d ask her where she wanted me to start, rubbing her feet or massaging her scalp, then I’d begin. I’d work my way down her body, or up it as the case was. She had said that her “No Kissing” policy only applied to her lips and I was welcome to kiss her cheeks. Kissing her cheeks slowly morphed into kissing her neck and nibbling her collar bone. Sometimes, caressing her tummy with my fingers would also turn into kisses around her sides and across her lower abs, all of which she said felt wonderful and had no objection. One thing that does bother me about her body is how unpredictable it can be. One hour, having her stomach caressed makes her melt, but a little while later, it’s her hamstrings she wants to receive attention. Our last night together, she rolled onto her front and asked me to stroke the sides of her neck and back of her shoulders. She nearly lost it. At one point, between the bucking she was able to pant out, “thatsmynewfavorite!”

We discussed becoming official. I had previously told her I didn’t want to do anything until I had met her family and verified that they liked me, but she assured me they did. Since we were already emotionally attached, our day together, we took some photos and changed our relationship status on Facebook. I was thinking we would simply change our respective statuses, but she posted a small declaration that garnered lots of attention from both our friends lists.

I know that’s all sweet and charming, but it also makes me a little uneasy. I’m crazy about her, but I’m afraid I’ll end up hurting her for reasons beyond my control. Because of her home business and all her family living in St. Louis, we’ve agreed that ultimately I would have to move there if we were to seriously pursue marriage. However, I’ve also explained to her that I love where I just moved to and, most importantly, I love my new job. More meaningfully, I love my job after spending over half a decade at a place where I was absolutely miserable. I can’t make myself move to St. Louis unless I find a comparable position there. Not only that, I just started this job, and to do my employer right, I feel I need to stay here for at least a couple of years, possibly three. She says she understands and she’ll happily wait, but I wonder what toll waiting will have on us, especially her. Will she still be happy to wait when we’re a couple of years in with no possible change in sight? The last thing I want is to hurt her or waste her time, but I know the stress of long-distance relationships often kills them.

There’s also the issue of personal annihilation. I’ll basically have to rearrange my entire life to be with her, and I know that also often ends relationships. One person often can’t help but resent the other. Sometimes the person who made the change becomes bitter and/or depressed, regretting making his or her sacrifice. Other times, it’s the person who didn’t make the sacrifice. That person sometimes feels guilty for not having to sacrifice anything, and he or she strains himself or herself to be super accommodating to the other person, which can also lead to resentment. Compounding all of that is her extensive network of friends and family. While they would become my network, too, they would always be her friends and family before they were mine, and if we ever had any sort of problem, even if I were 100% in the right, all of those people would either be against me or neutral at best.

I hope all of this works itself out. I need to learn to get out of my own head, live in the moment, and take life as it comes. I’m going to spend Christmas & New Year’s Day in St. Louis with her and her family. I’m looking forward to it. She told me her siblings were planning to troll me. A prank one of her brothers wants to do is pick an argument with me, then scare me by pulling a(n unloaded) gun on me.

In other news, I’m finally able to try out the local Jiujitsu gyms this week. I’m trying an MMA gym tomorrow and Thursday night, and I’d like to try a Jiujitsu school next week. I’m still 3 classes shy of being eligible for my fourth stripe on my blue belt, so I’m still driving to my old school in Atlanta for the next two Saturdays. I wonder if her brothers realize I train in martial arts. I know how to disarm a person of his gun, then disarm that same person of his arm. I hope Christmas is uneventful.