new focus in 2018

8:33pm

Let’s try another one.

I always think of random comments I want to make in here throughout the day, but I never seem to be near enough to a piece of paper and/or my phone to save them for later. I’m going to try to be better about this. I know there are a lot of regular life things I’m missing around here.

I was also going to come in here to mention that I still hadn’t heard from the client, but about an hour ago he finally texted me, “hey you.” I haven’t responded. I should probably do that before he goes to bed. I just…I don’t know what to say?

The other day I was joking that maybe this was a test, from him, to see how long I would go before I contacted him. Except he doesn’t realize that I could probably go forever. I’m pretty good at that - not contacting people after they disappear [except TF apparently…that guy I can’t seem to stay away from sigh].

Now, I don’t actually think it was a test. He must have had some thing going on. It’s just that I think that’s the longest we’ve gone without speaking in like a year. Oh well. Not a big deal. I texted him back, “hi stranger”.

There’s a new plan in place in my world. I decided that I need to be a lot more positive, about everything. It changed my life for the better many years ago and I need to get back to that. I’m so very tired of living in the pain. I’m sick of focusing on the doom and gloom. Yes, I was hurt. Yes, life sucks sometimes, But no, we do not have to dwell or focus on it forever. I want to be strong, and confident, and happy again. I’ve been searching for my joy for so long. I think I’m ready to find it.

I realize I’ve been beating a dead horse, but he’s part of the whole thing, and I’m going to try a new tactic. His words definitely have the ability to crush me [probably because I care about him so much]. I’d like to do something different for a while to see how it goes. I don’t want to focus on all the negativity, or the hurt, or the moments that didn’t go the way I’d hoped. Without making excuses for him, I am fully aware that a lot of his ‘hurtful’ words come from his own place of hurt. The things he said the other day, for example, could very well be tied to the fact that he felt completely rejected by me and didn’t know how to react. He doesn’t know me well enough to know that that’s just the way that I am. I’m shy, and broken, and I have so much to work on within myself.

Do I wish he’d give me a chance to explain? Yes! Of course! But since we haven’t gotten that chance yet, I want to focus on the positive side of this. He’s the only person I’ve ever met that’s made me feel good about myself. I’m going to hang on to that feeling. I don’t need his validation, or anyone else’s, but I won’t deny that that’s the best I’ve probably ever felt. I want that back - with or without him!

So, positivity, POSITIVITY, POSITIVITY!

Ok…why is spellcheck telling me that word is incorrect!? Damn, I’m going to have to fight the whole world on this one! =P

Seriously though, he’s given me a lot. I’d never have this confidence without him [even if it’s fading and I’m working hard to restore it!]. I wouldn’t feel special at all if he hadn’t been placed into my life. He’s maybe the only person who has ever made me feel like I wasn’t invisible. I need to remember, and reconnect, with that girl who wanted to be better, and do better, and live better. She was so nice and I didn’t get to enjoy her nearly as much as I should have [because I was scared damnit].

I want to be happy about it all - No matter what happens, or doesn’t! Even if we don’t speak to each other again, or see each other outside of work, I want to be happy with what I got out of it. I want my whole life to be positive and beautiful.

I said it before, I really want to enjoy this holiday season! I missed last year’s and I don’t want to do that again.

This time is always a little rough because work starts picking back up and distracts from the season. I don’t want to stress about it though. It is what it is. It always has been. I need to continue to remind myself that I have no control over this world. As silly as y’all might think it is, it isn’t in my hands.

I’m going to work the next couple of days, take the weekend to continue to clean up the house for guests, work Monday/Tuesday, and then shop and prep for Thanksgiving! My uncle and his wife should be here Wednesday. I’m not sure how much time they’re actually going to spend with us but I’m not going to be upset about it! I’m going to enjoy every moment of the next few weeks. I’m going to wear a cute dress, and drink whiskey, and eat way too much damn food, and live my best life. That’s all I get.

rose.
9:49pm