there are mountains in 2018

10:12pm

Quick words:

• I’m up and down in terms of where my head is at. I’m trying to stay optimistic and enjoy life, but I know that I’m still hurting inside. I’m in this space where I so desperately want to be happy but I can feel like things are tainted. Like I can’t really enjoy everything the way I want to. That part sucks. I really, really wanted to enjoy this holiday season....I just don’t know how.

• Back to drinking pretty much every day again. Not to heal the pain, I swear. I’m not using it as a crutch for anything! It’s just something I’m doing. It started like the week before I left for Nashville. There was an extra Sunday, then a Thursday when I was held “hostage” by my neighbours, and then I knew I’d be drinking during the convention, and it continued from there. I probably need to go back to the schedule I was on before, but I’m not noticing any major differences whether I do or don’t.

• Finally turned the heater on like day before yesterday. The weather is so weird here. High 70s/low 80s during the day and 30s at night.

• Haven’t heard anything from the client since Friday. He’d already been acting sketchy. I’m not entirely surprised. I actually suspect he’s gotten himself another girlfriend. He pulled away the exact same way last time.

• I honestly don’t care if he has a girlfriend. Really! But it still bugs me a bit. 1) Why does our situation have to change if we’ve only ever been friends? 2) It’s probably been only about a month ago that he was making jokes about being my boyfriend. Do people move on that quickly?

• I hate that I keep talking about him, but this makes me think about TF. I mentioned in the last entry about how neither one of us seems to have moved on, although he hasn’t really given me any indication that he’s completely interested either. I don’t actually think that he’s been single and waiting around for me all this time, but the idea is still there. And the client has had at least 2 girlfriends. One right before we started talking last year [already knew each other but only at work] and another at the beginning of this year. If someone honestly wanted me I would hope that they’d be willing to wait a little longer. I get that I’m not easy. And I’ve been clear about needing time and space [mostly because I can’t get my head on straight after TF] but it just makes it seem so fake. Like you don’t actually want me, you just want what’s convenient..which is kinda the same problem I’ve had with TF - in a weird, maybe it doesn’t make as much sense anymore, kinda way.

• In terms of TF: some days I’m ok and others I’m still crying into my hands wondering why I can’t let go. I beg God sometimes to let me move on. To give me strength and courage to get my life back on track. I just want to be okay again.

• Saw a new doctor last Friday. Long story short, I had to see her because my old doc left and I’ve been on steroids off/on pretty much all year. I need to be monitored and/or weaned off these things. Preferably weaned off if it’s up to me.
  She ended up being a lot younger than I expected. I’m pretty bad at judging ages but I’d say she’s not much older than I am. From New Jersey. Doesn’t understand our weather either. ha. Asked a lot more questions than I expected. Seemed somewhat interested in solving my mystery. I wish she would give it a try…

• She consulted with another doc and they decided to wean me off the steroids [except she didn’t put the prescription through so I’m doing it myself] and after Thanksgiving I’ll go in for new blood tests, which haven’t been done in like a year. We’ll try to collect all my medical records from the last 10+ years and see if I can build a better case to get a referral into Stanford or UCSF.

• Also praying the next two weeks won’t be painful, and frustrating, and terrible without the steroid crutch. I want to enjoy Thanksgiving damnit!

I wish I could sit down and write more, but this is better than nothing. For now.

rose.
10:47pm