I read something about setting goals, and how it's good for you. It offered categories. Let's see how that works out:
physical- healthy mind and body, and living space artistic- writing, painting, dancing family- dancer family, love partners pleasure- sex sounds good. dancing. education career- helping people, respect, fun financial- sure public service- somewhere in there. I usually go for the ripple affect, but we'll get there. attitude- I'm assuming that if I take care of the other things, this'll kinda fall into place
To help define these goals, there's the acronym "smart."
S – Specific (or Significant). M – Measurable (or Meaningful). A – Attainable (or Action-Oriented). R – Relevant (or Rewarding). T – Time-bound (or Trackable).
More on that later.
I've been feeling like now that we're in counseling, I can stop being so passive aggressive towards Ian. I've started picking up more, and doing some grocery shopping again, helping around the house. I've been trying not to make hurtful comments to him, either.
But I just don't feel connected. He swears he wants me, that he'll do what it takes to stay with me, but I don't think I have the compassion or the patience to stay with him. He doesn't have confidence. He's not dominant. I want someone who'll drag me by the hair to the bedroom and fuck the shit out of me. I want someone who doesn't freak out when his computer is slow for a minute and won't play a movie right away. He tiptoes around me and it's annoying. When he tries to open up emotionally, he sounds really whiny. Maybe I'm not a good enough person to be in a relationship. Maybe I'm better off with more independence. All I know is that there are times when I notice that I've been feeling better, and it corresponds to times that Ian and I have been away from each other.
And I've even been trying. I try curling up next to him. I try to kiss him. I try nuzzling him. None of it is returned. He might put his arms around me, but I want some actual affection. The counselor has instructed us not to have sex for the time being, and to try to connect with kisses. But when Ian doesn't kiss back, it's just more rejection. He's paying the money for the counseling, but I think he's given up already.
The counselor says that we obviously both love each other, and that our sex drives are not so different that it isn't workable. It's true that I care about the guy, but if he can't initiate, I can't work with that. Not even just initiate--- fucking reciprocate. He's unresponsive.
I don't think that I do want to do more double sessions with him. I don't think I feel free to be honest when he's there. I feel like Keri needs to see the whole picture.
There was a moment in one of the sessions that she intentionally attempted to get Ian angry, just so he would show some emotion. He was slightly vulnerable for a moment. He insisted that he wants to be with me, and that it hurts that I don't believe him.
Keri asked why I don't believe him, and I told her that in my head, I couldn't help hearing a voice say, "prove it." That trying to love Ian is like loving a rock. I can have all the affection I want for a rock, and that rock, for all I know, might have very intense feelings for me. But unless that rock fucking opens up and responds to me, I've got nothing to go on.
I would be interested to hear more on why Keri thinks that he and I should be together, because I'm not seeing it.
I feel like if I am going to get out of this marriage, I shouldn't wait for a long time. If I want to hurry up and find someone who I am more compatible with, I'd rather get going on that. I realize that there will be a whole process of separating, recovering, possibly some self-exploration, some independence-getting, and then I would be a reasonable person to date. That might all take years. So let's get this divorce party started, eh?
And, if we are going to stay together, if this is just a bump in a very long road and Ian and I are about to have a really wonderful time of reconnecting soon, I'd like to skip to that part.
I'm impatient.
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