fulfilment in A new era

it's well documented that women need to feel emotionally connected to their partner in order to have a fulfilling sexual relationship. but who knew that actually, sometimes you need sex to feel emotionally fulfilled.

john and I had had a bit of a dry spell, started with lady week, and just seemed to not pick up after that. in terms of dry spells, it's a few short weeks, but in terms of our relationship that's a long time. rationally, I know that it comes down to us both working crazy hours and being knackered, we see each other, chat, cuddle, then fall asleep. it's a case of the mind is willing, the lust is there, but the body, my god, the body cannot stay awake long enough to get past the initial stages of foreplay!

we're both guilty of it, but it's fair to say it's left me wondering a little about how much john wants me, if he still wants me as much as he did. I have a massive problem with initiating sex. it goes as far back as tim I think. we were both young, and inexperienced, and never talked about our problems. our sex life waned and we never did anything to improve it. then there was chris, the sex was amazing and adventurous, but I never had to initiate things, he had a very high sex drive and it was fair to say it was an unusual occurrence for us not to have sex when we saw each other.

follow this by four years of short term dalliances, and that leads us to now. the sex is back on people. I initiated it. I don't know why it scares me to do that so much. especially with john, I know if he ever says no it's not because he doesn't want me. to be fair, he's never said no. i'm fucked up, obviously.

I never realised how important the balance between sex and everything else is. we have a lovely relationship, things are good, I guess I've never been in a relationship where the sex also brings closeness, I guess it's always been a case of just having sex. I find with john that even though the sex is adventurous and quite often more primal than intimate and romantic, it definitely brings a closeness. maybe that's why, maybe because it's open and raw and we're completely exposed it brings a different level of trust, I don't know. all I know is the way he looks at me, and the way that makes me feel.

it's weird the insecurity that comes with a lack of sex. all the wondering if there's a reason why, if he's gone off me, if I've done something to upset him that he hasn't mentioned, if he's feeling insecure about his weight - he's put on a couple of pounds, not even noticeable, but was a bigger lad when he was younger and has some insecurities from then. I know, rationally, that none of those things are true. I know that i'm just being crazy and it's as a result of previous relationships that have had many issues.

I suppose this is the first relationship I've been in where I feel emotionally fulfilled, and actually want to be physically fulfilled too. I want it all with this boy, and he gives me everything I want. we need to just not neglect one aspect of the relationship for the other. we're comfortable with each other, we can relax together, we laugh together, we tell each other important stuff, and mundane stuff, and it's amazing.

xx