back to life in 2018

11:19pm

I think I’m mostly over the crazy.

Mostly.
Kinda.
Almost.
;)

I think back about the whole thing and I’ve definitely noticed a difference in my feelings towards it. Like sure sometimes it still feels like that salt in the wound, but there’s just a different feeling when the memories come flooding back. Maybe that’s something that happens with time? It was so long ago. I still feel like the biggest fool whenever I bring it up, but I continue to bring it up regardless. I guess it doesn’t bother me that much to be a fool huh? =\

I still really want to run into him though that hasn’t gone away. I need to get that moment out of the way. Just have it happen, however it’s going to happen, and then I can move on.

There’s a part of me that clearly wants to be prepared to run into him. Like I don’t exactly want to bump into him in the street in my tatted up clothes after not having seen each other for months! Whatever happened between us, there was definitely an attraction, and I still want him to think I look good. Right? I’m not crazy. haha.

But I guess it doesn’t matter much. It’ll happen whenever it happens and it always seems the more I want something the less likely it is to occur. Also, he should probably see me for what I am sooner rather than later. haha! I just don’t want to worry about it anymore. He’ll be there, or he won’t. I don’t want to care about it so much. New goal - going back to regular ol’ life!

I do think it is a bit weird that I’ve basically been here the whole time since they got the keys and I haven’t seen a single one of his family members. Not even his mom, who’s supposed to move in there, or any of his brothers/sisters. The only people I’ve seen seem to be friends/family of hers. I thought they were a lot closer than that, but who knows what the heck is going on there these days. I did always notice that none of them seem to be as close to him as to each other. Who knows!

Not going to worry anymore. I’m just going to move on and get my own stuff done. Tomorrow I have plans to mow the lawn, wash cars, and bbq. I don’t know what else but I hope to find plenty of things to keep me occupied.
I mean, sure, I wanted this to all work out a certain way but I really do not have any control over it. I need to remember that.

Just venting. Need to get the thoughts out. Time to go watch more livePD and then sleep.

rose.
11:46pm