easy crazy in 2018

1:58pm

I’m having a hard time with this new neighbour/TF situation. I hate the unknown and everyone knows that. I don’t even have anyone to talk it out with so I can rid myself of the crazy.

The only people that knew about him were my mom and brother. Although mostly just mom since she was in the office and basically every thing we had occurred there. It’s not like I meant for her to know everything. And I just so happened to be helping move my brother from TX to WA right as TF and I started talking so I was all giddy/excited with the texting. I didn’t tell him much of anything. Actually when I told my brother about the new neighbours the other day he couldn’t even really remember who TF was. haha. So yeah, I can’t talk to either one of them. I’m obviously not going to be talking to mom about it. She would think I’m nuts for still holding on to that tragedy.

Hence my long boring rambles.

It’s just that I know that I can get really obsessive with my thoughts and that’s never good! I’m glad that I’m old enough, and I’ve grown enough, to recognize these emotions as they’re happening. It really helps to be able to see it, write it out, process, and hopefully keep it all away.

When I was a kid I’m about 97% sure that I had OCD. What with the hand washing, and the counting, and the constant double checking of things. I definitely grew out of it, but that’s not to say that it isn’t easy to slip back into that mindset. In the last couple of years I’ve been really good about seeing it and finding ways to distract myself. It’s like you don’t even really realize it’s happening, but you’ll suddenly be sitting there going over and over whether or not the outside door is locked.

It’s silly really and my point is just to say that it is very easy for me to get obsessed with things. Not in a creepy crazy way at least it’s all in my head. =\

So yesterday I was home alone and I heard noise outside and I went to look out the window [because I’m that nosy old lady watching the street] and I saw the old neighbours clearing things out. When I got home from the airport earlier there were a bunch of cars and it looked like they were finishing up the carpets. I guess they were packing it all up and I noticed the new neighbour showed up.

I debated on finding an excuse to go out there so I could “introduce” myself, but I never got the courage to go. I thought it would be too weird and I’ll have plenty of time to do it. But I did do a lot of peeking out the window and I was in the courtyard for a bit.

From what I could tell they cleaned out the rest of the house and probably gave the keys over to the new people. Old neighbour said something about it being dry and it sounded like they could basically start moving things in whenever they wanted, even before Monday. New neighbour [H] actually came back on her own like two more times yesterday after everyone else had left. She seemed to be showing friends around, and then I don’t know if she brought her family later. She seems very excited and I can totally understand. It’s a blank slate. A brand new life!

Anyway, long story shortish, by the end of the night I caught myself turning towards the window at the slightest of sounds. Honestly I kept jumping up to look out there and holy sht what are you even doing Rose?!?!

That’s when it clicked that I was being all crazy girl about it. Like yes I like to know what’s going on in my neighbourhood because this is my safe space and I want it to stay safe. But it’s none of my freaken business what they are doing next door every second of the day. Dude. It doesn’t even matter. They’re going to come and go a lot over the next few days, maybe weeks, and I can’t watch them every second. I don’t need to watch them at all.

Let’s be real though, a lot of this is still about TF. Wanting to see him again. Wanting to get that moment over with. Wondering what will happen. I’m curious about whether or not he’ll contact me knowing I’m right next door. I’m curious about that whole damn thing. It’s not even about the new neighbours. It’s about him. And I totally get that and I need to let it go before it gets out of hand.

Whatever happens, happens. Seriously. There’s nothing I can do about it. I can’t change any of it. I just have to deal with it and take it one day at a time. I cannot be that crazy girl. I’m the only one that it’s going to hurt.

Honestly a part of it was because I’d spent some time with my other neighbour A yesterday afternoon. I’m not trying to blame anyone else for my crazy thoughts, but she is seriously paranoid. Like she thinks the right side neighbours are selling drugs or something. I live right next door and I’ve noticed absolutely nothing but she has issues with the way they treat their dogs so she seems to be coming up with not so good things to say about them. I don’t feed into it at all because the more I get to know her the more I realize she exaggerates all her stories. I’ve stopped telling her things because she might flip my story when she retells it. Anyway this isn’t a rant about her. I just know that being around her triggers me. She basically spends the entire time telling all these stories and being paranoid about those she doesn’t like, and it’s not good.

That all clicked for me last night when everything else clicked. Being around that isn’t good for me. I don’t want to turn into that at all!! I’ve been really good for a long time and I do not want to allow myself to go back to all that. This is just bringing out the worst in me for whatever reason. But I won’t let it anymore!

I’m supposed to go with A to this city block party later this afternoon, but I think I’m going to text her and say I don’t feel like going anymore. Not only do I not want to deal with her wild stories today, but I also have no real reason to go. I like putting my face out there, getting to know who’s around and all that, but today just isn’t a good day for that. I can meet people some other time. Or I can continue to sit in my nice quiet house and not be bothered by anyone.

I seriously need to stop letting other people affect me. Like I let their thoughts or feelings start to change who I am and I hate that. I used to be like that constantly and I know I’ve grown a lot since then. I need to constantly remind myself that it’s ok. I’ll be ok no matter what happens. I need to let things go and seriously let the Universe handle itself. I’ve never really had any control over things and I can’t pretend to try to control it now. It is what it is. I need to ease myself back out of this mindset and just relax.

Just freaken relax Rose! Geez!

sidenote: on an unrelated note - my brother shared with me that he’s going to therapy, which thank God because I think he’s been needing to go for years. I’m going to give it a while, but at some point I’m going to suggest family therapy. He’s still not talking to mom and I think he’s an idiot. I honestly hope his therapist will help him see this. Even if mom and I have to fly out there to meet with them I think we’d all be willing to do it. It would be good for all of us. We’ve all had a really rough life and we should be there for each other. We’ll see.

rose.
3:02pm