i'm just lonely i guess. in yes i'm aware it's 2016. july 20, 2016 in Evan

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um. so i’m a really physical person. as is evan. i haven’t seen him in god 5 months short of a yr. in Nov. it’ll be. that’s not the longest we’ve gone. and lately..........and i’m kindof embarassed to admit this.but i’ve wanted to be physical w/ someone. not um not have sex physical. no like cuddle and w/e. and he.he liked that. we were so much better together. [god it’s becoming a ‘were’. i guess it has been for awhile i just....... ] so yeah transistioning’s weird right now. um. and the person I have in mind well a he lives out of state and 2 he’s gay. and we’re good friends I just.i don’t know if that’s like weird or.......or what. i don’t know when he’ll visit. I’d love to see him it’s been yrs. i mean.idinno maybe the whole. wanting to cuddle w/ someone I know particularly a gay guy isn’t about.like that at all. It’s like sex dreams aren’t.actually about sex that often. I’m obvs. really comfortable w/ this person. Mark’s somewhat physical but he lives in the springs so.
It’s so.still w/o him.evan. well er ok so he’s still here like physically here. but he’s not here w/ me ya know? We’re not talking on the phone every night [which also means we’re not fighting]. We’re not seeing each other. we’re not cuddling we’re not..........we’re not us, anymore. not like.serious-relationship-us. just 2 people, good- friends ‘us’. and i guess. like oh............oh so..............there’s not that drama and adventure. Ya know he has his life which has that in it and I have mine which well right now doesn’t. now it’s just weird. like oh this is what i did before him. no i mean I saw people. i saw Pat I saw my ex [up untill we broke up and then] I went to the bar.and saw people there. i’m the one going on about how lonely i am and yet.i’m the one who doesn’t make much effort to not be. well also. so for like a wk. there I wasn’t watching tv online.so it was just.still and weird and quiet.for me.
yeah um on Mon. valerie & I went to my bar. we got shots. [ok so we got 1 each. they’re good wow]. but anyway. As I was looking at the lights across the room I thought of something my friend Lu said. most people who go to bars are lonely. um yeah. I’m not sure how true that is and i guess maybe it depends but i like how it sounds. at first I was uncomfortable being there and then I started liking it. and of course when that happened we left due to time. I could go to the Cricket the bar by my mom’s. [well i mean not now of course as it’s 1;20 in the morning and by the time i got there it’d be closed. well i still could go but.reasons]. [yes and drinking would solve my problem?] no.no but I like the idea of sitting there w/ a nice glass of wine. yes a singular glass. even though it’s not all that far from my mom’s it feels like it is. and that’s one of the things i like about it. ‘learn to be lonely...........’ yeah i’ve learned to be lonely. i’ve also learned, not to be. no that’s it just the 2 sides is all.
it’s weird, distancing yourself from someone you’ve spent so much time w/.and talked to on the phone a lot.w/. and have a history w/. and. well w/e else. We didn’t break up cause um we weren’t together but heartbreak applies not only to serious relationships. and here i am again. ‘on my own down the only road i’ve ever known.......’ . well i’ve distanced myself from him before. actively. But it’s different this time. or is it? or is it the same but more present? well maybe both. some things are different and some things um aren’t.
For a long time evan was my rebound guy. We never physicalised our relationship. [ok so we never had sex is what i’m saying.but we almost did a little over 3 yrs. ago]. We’d gone on a few dates. um. but near the end...........there wasn’t time. no there was he just didn’t make time for me.no he made time for him. and now it’s time for me to make time for me. well now and moving forward. i um. well i mean i always make time for me. I’m just not still as i’ve probably mentioned before. ..........mmmmm........ but i mean time for me w/o him. w/o the phone calls. which in a couple months i’ll do. I’m just in the middle of this right now. in my purse i carry around something he gave me. which when the time comes I’ll still have just not in my purse. That’s really the only thing that’ll be different is/are the phone calls or lack thereof. oh wait we have that now. yes. it’s just it’ll be iidnno official or something. ‘...........the only thing different the only thing new.............’ yeah rebound. going back to that.um. I want someone to fill that space. so that this won’t hurt. so that i won’t be alone. well i’m not, in the literal sense. I’m not like in the forest alone. [well even then i wouldn’t be i’d just be sans people]. anyway. but if I had that someone.i wouldn’t, you know, stop. i’m not good at stopping really. I don’t really do, a whole lot.but emotionally i’d think I do quite a bit. There was. a month maybe between my ex & I breaking up and evan i doing stuff. so there wasn’t time. i’m aware, i’ve mentioned this before. and then Pat left and then I moved and then.well. anyway. so maybe.i shouldn’t have a rebound right now. I think.I like the idea of that better than the actual thing. [well sure everything’s better in theory. well ok maybe not ‘everything’ ]. um i don’t know.
i’m lonely again. ‘but it’s ok it’s alrite i’ve been lonely before’. yeah but that’s not the point. cause i’m not making it the point. um. well........ before i go on anymor ‘