WE GO TOGETHER LIKE in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018
- Oct. 2, 2018, 10:59 p.m.
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- Public
The Vena Cava and the Aorta.....
Amoxicilin and Clavulanic Acid…
A hypodermic needle and a latex tourniquet…
Diverticulitis and a barium enima…
The Tibia, The Fibula
The left and right ventricle!
So… October has started. Holy shitballs!
October 1: 40 children and hearings from 8 am to 5:30
October 2: Hearings, Pleadings, and work until 5:30
Things are exhausting. But…with the very last scintilla of energy I have today.... I wanted to write a little something about the Couple’s Counseling.
We have finally gotten to the part in CC where the therapist has asked us to cut ourselves open and bare our souls. Well, she’s asked that before but differently. Originally, we “bared our souls” by sharing what had been modeled to us by our parents. No surprises there as Wife’s father cheated on her mother; but they decided to stay married… whereas my parents may disagree about day to day shit but would sacrifice everything for one another.
No, THIS soul baring exercise is “What are you most afraid of for when you move back in together?” Maybe I abused my writing skills and the opportunity, maybe not. But I took that to be “What most needs to be fixed here?”
Wife’s list? Separation of Chores. Not an insignificant thing. Truthfully, in Divorce Research the number ONE reason for divorce is MONEY, the number TWO reason for divorce is CHORES. But then again, we all know “chores” is a transference word. The real element is a feeling that one partner isn’t appreciated or respected or cared about. So her concerns about separation of chores makes sense.
Her other concerns? That my snoring or lack of healthy living will negatively impact her.
SO we discussed that last week. This upcoming Saturday is my turn. GOOD! My turn brings stress to me because… frankly, not in a dickheaded way but in a very honest and objective way.... my shit is more important.
(1) I’m worried that our relationship has been too poisoned by negativity to really succeed. Add in my new job (which I love) that has me steeped ears deep in the worst shit of humanity… I fucking desperately need a supportive, positive place to go to at the end of the night.
(2) I’m concerned about Wife’s “engagement.” While I appreciate that she wants to make sure chores are appropriately shared… there is an element she did not mention. Namely: HOW OFTEN she does nothing all day, I come home from a brutal day of work, and she asks me “What are you making for dinner?” Because frankly… that shit has to stop. If Wife is home all day and I’m busting my ass (no less than) 10 hours a day dealing with the literal scum of humanity… the very fucking least she can do is make dinner.
(3) The criticism MUST be addressed. I get it. I’ve gained weight since Wife met me. I’ve gained maybe 100 pounds. I’ve also gone from unable to move due to pain… to College Graduate… to Law School Graduate… to Attorney… to Assistant County Attorney specializing in Special Victims. So… yeah. Maybe the constant criticism from Wife is the kind of thing that makes me somewhat consider leaving her for a faceless internet app that gives me compliments!
(4) Sex. Sex. Sex, god dammit, sex. I know I don’t have the healthiest background in all of this. I was attacked as a Senior in High School. I was force fed “Wait for marriage or you are SUCH a disappointment to your wife. Sex before marriage ACTIVELY HURTS YOUR FUTURE WIFE and why would you be such an immense dick to someone who loves you before they’ve even met you?!” So that’s my background which I admit needs to be addressed. But really? I mean… I’m not saying we have to be some teenaged newly wed couple sexing every day.... but are you seriously telling me that once a week is too much? Once a month? I mean… sex is fucking important to me.... and while I can be an advocate for healthy, safe, compassionate sexual decisions.... at some point it is going to fucking DESTROY my marriage.
So.... those are the items I intend to discuss at couple’s counseling on Saturday. I’m.... very nervous about it. I don’t want to hurt my wife… but GOD DAMN… seriously.... these are the things that make me nervous about living together again.... these are the things that make me worry that our marriage may not work. There are the things that make me think.... if a sexually forward woman that treats me well magically appears? There could be problems.
Amaryllis ⋅ October 03, 2018
These are almost exactly my husband (soon to be ex) and my issues. I feel like mine are more objectively important and more practical to address. My concerns are 'do this chore action and physical discipline action' and his are 'change fundamental aspects of your personality that you have very little control over without being exhaustingly fake all of the time.' I don't want to have sex with someone I don't like or respect! The emotional relationship has to be fixed first! Say 'I love you' when I don't feel it? Have sex with him even though he is revolting to me? Those don't seem like constructive solutions. I really cannot wrap my head around your thinking she owes you sex when you are in a bad place in your relationship. I so desagree.. Engaging with you, thanking you for your efforts, and making dinner for you if you are working and she is not - yes, I agree with all of that. :) Reading your entries is so interesting because our problems are so similar, but from opposite sides.
Park Row Fallout Amaryllis ⋅ October 03, 2018
It is interesting! For me, her issues are as she stated are "Dirty clothes and kitchen" for me the issues are "actively engage in the relationship". Because yes... the day to day Chore work needs to get done for the house and the relationship. But there is also day to day Relationship work that needs to get done as well. I know my wife respects me. But I don't know if my wife cares about me. I know Wife likes being married. But I don't know if Wife likes being married TO ME. And the issue there is... I can try and try and try to salvage the relationship... But IF these issues really are "fundamental" or "foundational to her personality" then she is the only one that would know that. Therefore, calling it quits would have to be her call.
Amaryllis Park Row Fallout ⋅ October 03, 2018
That makes a lot of sense! Maybe I am applying assumptions from my deteriorated relationship to your not-yet-deteriorated relationship. While I still care about my husband as a friend and person, the level of respect/trust I need to kindle any sort of attraction has been dead for about a year and a half. It sounds like you believe your wife's trust and respect are not yet dead - that is AWESOME and means there is a lot of hope, I think!
Park Row Fallout Amaryllis ⋅ October 03, 2018
Yeah. Though... unfortunately, I think a lot of her respect is derived from (1) my job and (2) my ability to speak and deal with people. So if I ever get fired or go mute, I'm screwed. semi-lol
four leaf clover ⋅ October 03, 2018
Its so weird to me that her only complaint is chores.... does she not have any emotional needs?!?! Or maybe you actually are a good partner if that's her only complaint lol.
Just be honest otherwise you won't get the result you want. And that way you know you've done all you can.
Park Row Fallout four leaf clover ⋅ October 03, 2018
:) :p I'm hoping it is because I actually AM a good partner ;) lol
four leaf clover Park Row Fallout ⋅ October 04, 2018
I'm sure you are lol after I left that comment I realized it sounded like I didnt think you really were. But from where I'm sitting it sounds like you are!
Always Laughing ⋅ October 05, 2018
It still bothers me what differences you have with each other about the issues in your marriage/living together.
Purple Dawn ⋅ October 05, 2018 (edited October 05, 2018)
Edited
Do an actual chore list? But perhaps allocate time blocks for time spent working. Maybe she will be able to visualize where the time goes that way?