um. so i did it. in yes i'm aware it's 2016. july 9, 2016 in Evan

‘ um. so i did it. [no not that]. No so last night when evan calls [well actually he calls twice] I told him we didn’t need to fight that’s not what i want. that. i’d been thinking a lot about this. and told him my decision and that i can’t do this. and we’d been here before..........but just so he knows at the end of the summer i won’t be talking to him for 3 months. and that it won’t be forever/ and he was.nice about it. he told me he wanted me to be happy [he said this like 3 times as he was drunk] and that he wasn’t angry. but sad cause i’m sad.
I thought...........there’d be a different reaction than this one. i thought he’d fight for me but apparently i was wrong. he was in jail and he got out thurs. and he’ll probably have to go back in again for 2 months. and that’s all he said about it. yes and this is exactly why i can’t do this. the stupid inconsistancy the stpid ‘i’ll call you in 30 mins’ no you won’t. the ‘i’ll see you’ no you won’t. and all that. I was hoping that would have a bigger impact on him but no. that he’d fight for what he loves. or who he loves rather. that he’d try and get me back. i want to be his ‘jar of hearts’ not his ‘i will always love you’ right.now. no but evidently since he’s not fighting for me he doesn’t care that much. and don’t try and convince me otherwise cause it won’t work so. and ya know a part of me knew that but wow. to be fair i didn’t fight a whole lot either but I didn’t have that much to fight for and even when i did...........how the fuk am i supposed to get at him when...........he kept losing phones. and he kept not replying to my emails. it’s damn near impossible. and he keeps getting drunk or going to rehab [nothing against people who go] or doing things.that are seemingly more important than me. I don’t believe him and i don’t trust him cause I’ve learned not to.from experience. so. and maybe having that much trust put on him was a lot for him i don’t know. but apparently i don’t mean that much to him. You’d think as someone who’s a former addict and still considers herself one, I’d be a lot more understanding. but i’m not i’m just done. and i’m sorry that i’m not strong enough to go on w/ him........like this. but on the other side of that is.sometimes. it takes a stronger person to leave than it does to stay.

this is from my fb ad some of it’s repetitive so: ‘i was hoping for a reaction from him. that he’d actually, you know.fight for me. fight for what he loves. or who he loves rather. but no apparently not. guess i didn’t mean all that much if he’s not going to. um wow. and don’t try and convince me otherwise cause it won’t work so. i didn’t really fight for him either but he wasn’t the one who made the decision. and also even if i had how could i when even when i emailed him he didn’t reply? and he kept losing phones and.........well my point being.i didn’t have much of a way to get ahold of him so. ya know wow.i guess. some people just don’t want to try. ‘

so this is the end.for now.

he told me he tried his hardest. no. you didn’t i don’t believe that. not like i have that much of a reason to so.

and ya know the funny thing is though. that even though we don’t need to fight i want to right now. even though i know it won’t do anything. so no point in that. yeah i gotta let go of hope but i can’t do that right now either it seems.really damn hard.

and after almost 4 yrs. wow.’