Briefly in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018
- Sept. 18, 2018, 3:55 p.m.
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- Public
Maybe my “stop writing” will just become really small quick entries instead of what I’d written before.
If you or someone you know uses methamphetamine; please seek help. I just had to file because a baby born at the end of August tested positive for Methamphetamine. Out of the womb. How screwed is that poor baby before they even got a chance?
I whittled my trial schedule down… a bit. I have 5 jury trials next week and 7 Jury trials the week after. Of course… 24 Jury Trials per year limit… only 6 available trial dates left… that just isn’t going to happen. SO, I tried to invent the BEST deals I could think of. You have a 12 count indictment including 2 felonies? Hows about I get rid of both felonies, and two misdemeanors, and you plead to the remaining 8 charges? Or you, sir! You’ve got four violent charges? Hows about I change that to 1 violent charge and 3 slaps on the wrist? All offers I’ve made… NO responses back yet. Because SOME Defendants see “Offering a plea” as “They’ve got nothing!” When in truth, I probably have enough to bury you. I have enough to bury you, build a sandcastle around your head, staff that sandcastle with terracotta warriors, and create an opposing army to threaten the You/Castle/Warriors I just built. I’m offering a plea because GET OFF MY DOCKET!
House is getting inspected tomorrow. Wife may make it up to check in on it. I’ll be in hearings and getting interviewed for the IF Paper. I assume it will be a regular “Why are you in THIS County? How long have you been practicing? What should the community know about you? etc” kind of interview. But seriously, if the reporter starts getting punty, I’ll walk and leave him with no story. Unrelated: I’m going to be going back to WDM tonight as I left somethings behind last weekend and I want to try to help Wife with some packing.
Last paragraph then back to the rat race.
I’m still behind in Prosebox reading. Trying to catch up. Of course, trying to catch up plus my schedule and all? I’m still 2 pages behind. But that means, actually, that I’m only 2 days behind on any of you. I haven’t been noting as I would normally but hopefully that is okay. Apparently, I have quite a few “lurkers” here myself so I don’t expect a lot of guff for being semi-lurker-ish for a temporary period. But on that note, reading many of you has left me with an important and self-reflective question: Will I ever be satisfied in my sex life? NOW this isn’t me saying “Shit, shouldn’t have bought the house with Wife, etc etc” because this kind of question IS something I’ll be writing on my list of “Fears for Moving Back Together.” But it is a sincere question. Spontaneous blow jobs, passionate sexual escapades, romantic dinners… some of you have experiences I always imagined I’d have but… never have. And I genuinely wonder if I’ll be able to get over not having them. Especially because I am confident that I would not have had them even if I weren’t married. Honestly. Consider my limited experience. Emotionally manipulated in disgusting ways by my first girlfriend. Cheated on by my second girlfriend. Rejected for not “being dangerous enough” by my third girlfriend. Broken up with after five days because I “told someone we were dating” by my fourth “girlfriend.” Broken up with by the greatest girl I’ve ever known because “being around (me) was to depressing.” Fifth Girlfriend. Then of course… Sixth Girlfriend: tied me up and sexually assaulted me until I said we were dating, cheated on me in the first two months with a girl, emotionally abused me every day, tried to rape me then tried to stab me to death. Seventh “girlfriend” wouldn’t let me call her girlfriend because she and I couldn’t be a couple, but she sure liked making out with me. Eighth Girlfriend was mostly just… nothing.... my girlfriend because she liked how much I wanted her to be my girlfriend but really didn’t care herself or put anything into the relationship. THEN Wife. Not exactly the kind of road map that leads to whirlwind passionate romances or spontaneous wild sexual adventures. But just because I was never going to have those experiences, doesn’t mean that I don’t miss their potential (no matter how unlikely). That isn’t to make anyone feel bad and PLEASE DON’T CENSOR YOURSELF OR BLOCK ME. I love knowing that people are leading the kinds of lives I wish I could have. I love living vicariously through their stories and their experiences. I just… sometimes feel a wee bit of sad for a fleeting moment when the story is over and I return to my own world. Maybe I’ll never run across the fields of Ireland or stand on a busy street in Japan… maybe I’ll never have an experience where someone looks at me and says “I need you now!” before passionately fucking like the world is ending… maybe I’ll just be me… fighting for justice in a small Iowa County… living a mostly boring life… putting my energy towards my job, my marriage, my community, my family, and my friends. Doesn’t mean I’ll give up the dream. Doesn’t mean I won’t force someone to take some of my ashes to Ireland and Japan if I can’t get there in life. But… just… thoughts and feelings.
Last updated September 18, 2018
stargazing ⋅ September 18, 2018
You've had some exceptionally awful relationships. Why do you suppose that is?
It is somewhat disturbing to hear that you can only have 24 jury trials a year.
Park Row Fallout stargazing ⋅ September 18, 2018
Oh, I can answer this! :) IN couple's therapy we've ascertained that (1) I don't expect others to meet my needs... which sounds healthy, but actually creates an atmosphere where I simply don't recognize or realize that a relationship SHOULD have a "giving" portion and not just a "taking portion; (2) growing up in a super religious family, I was thoroughly trained that "Love means sacrifice" so I actually considered "The greater the sacrifice, the more love I'm sharing".... take that misunderstanding to its tragic logical conclusion; (3) I've always wanted to be a hero... someone that didn't need me, didn't grab my attention because... why would they? If they don't need me, then I can't help them. (4) Ultimately, though, it goes to a self-esteem issue. If a girl showed me interest, I'd accept it. The only times where I pursued were 2, 4, 5, and 7.
Yeah. THOUGH, I should say: 24 is County/Region specific. Iowa has cut funding to the Judiciary for the last 7 years in a row and have (I'm not kidding) told the Judicial Branch that "If you can't cut 30% of your budget on your own, we'll do it for you in 2019!" Which.... holy shit! 90% of the Judicial Budget is staffing. We've eliminated "extra" trial dates, "special" trial dates, "drug court", "juvenile diversion" and a whole host of other things that would ACTUALLY REDUCE CRIME but aren't seen as "cost effective." Very frustrating.
caramelchicken Park Row Fallout ⋅ September 19, 2018
You've been able to identify why your past relationships were all terrible, and is also largely behind why you haven't had the sexual/romantic experiences you crave. I think in future if you saw other women that you would pick up on red flags before you found yourself in another bad relationship. But it's a lot harder to change things with someone you're already with if they've been able to get away with a certain standard of behaviour for so long.
It sounds like you're never going to have the experiences you want with your wife, but there are a lot of women out there who would love and share your enthusiasm for passion and romance.
Ginger ⋅ September 18, 2018
I like your song choice.
And hope you don't mind my lurking.
I don't have much to offer in return, as I don't have current crazy sexual encounters you'd want to live vicariously through. I got most of those out of my system in similarly shitty relationships when I was younger. But I think you've got me beat with "Sixth Girlfriend." None of my exes can quite compete with that one.
I hope things look up and you get a spontaneous blow job sometime in the near future.
Park Row Fallout Ginger ⋅ September 18, 2018
No worries on lurking! Glad you liked the song. In some ways, Jonathan Coulton is my spirit animal, lol. His songs are nerdy and interesting with a large vocabulary and often the faintest hint of malaise or depression. TOtally get it!
Oh, honey, I could weave stories about Sixth GIrlfriend. Hell, it was like a parlour trick my first year in college! "Who's got a story?!" Well do you want to hear about the Girl Running Topless In The Woods, The Girl Screaming 'I Want That Baby', The Girl Dragged Off My Porch By Cops, or The Girl With The Butcher Knife? I mean... all the same girl, but the "relationship" lasted 8 months!
I would LOVE to tell you that "spontaneous blow job" is a possibility in my future. Unfortunately, my last blow job of ANY kind was in 2005, so not likely :(
Always Laughing ⋅ September 18, 2018
Good luck with everything
Park Row Fallout Always Laughing ⋅ September 18, 2018
Thanks! I'ma likely need it :)