Self Destruct in The First Life
- Sept. 6, 2018, 6:53 a.m.
- |
- Public
Ive had drinks every night for the past week and a half.
That’s not me.
When did it become me?
I control my food, and I drink so I can slip up and eat.
I rinse and repeat.
I’m happy and in love, so why am I craving the control that comes with restriction?
Thin.control.crave.guilt.
I have always wanted to be delicate and strong.
Fragile seems so coveted and beautiful.
With that… comes insecurity.
A nasty whisper that makes your thoughts spin.
Makes you spit self doubt.
Makes you assume the worst because you think the least of yourself.
Why am I allowing this to become me at a time when I’ve found someone so caring?
He does not deserve the worst me.
But he sure is the first to open his arms to me at my ugliest.
I’ve spent all morning triggering myself.
Let’s look at past girlfriends.
Like that matters.
Let’s daydream that he had a thing for that girl at work.
Or still does.
Let’s imagine that all these imaginary things are going on.
All of the worst possible things.
All of the things that could destroy me being happy ..
But I’m already doing that.
I’m already not allowing myself this light.
I’m already balling my fists up over my eyes so I cannot see everything that is beautiful right now.
There are days I wake and the world feels right.
Where I don’t scout out my hangnails to tug at them until I bleed.
Where the ashes from everything I burned the night before are gone, and its only sun.
And its only warmth.
There’s no reason to not let myself have this.
I have always planted bombs before building houses.
I have always only sown seeds of doubt before each rain.
So as the sun shines on the next day, I am basking in fields of poison.
He has only shown me kindness.
I hoped he would love me some day, and he has given me that.
He has never doubted me, never made me feel wrong for my insecurity.
His understanding knows no bounds and I feel I am undeserving of his patience.
But that needs to stop.
I need to rise early again.
I need to sleep.
Love my body, appreciate what it does for me, and the strength I do have.
I must stop body checking
Dashing through reflections.
I feel comfortable in the most bare way with him because I know he sees the best. But I need to too.
I need to let him see that.
I have to let myself have this.
This is exactly what I’ve wanted.
It’s okay to have that.
Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with the amount of care and affection he has for me.
I feel that full feeling that you cannot explain but you know that it is love overflowing.
This is what I deserve and I will not let myself tear it apart by breaking myself down.
Deleted user ⋅ September 08, 2018
True!