Another Day in Deeper Bits (Emotional and such)

It's frigid here. Below freezing. So cold in fact that my fountain/pond thing is frozen over, and I had a rude surprise when I went to knock what I thought was water off the tarp over the dog kennel, and a 4 inch thick chunk of ice fell off and shattered on the deck.... and I nearly soiled myself, but that's beside the point.

Cold weather makes me want to have someone here. It makes being alone extremely hard. As much as I love it when S and C are here, I always feel so empty inside, cause I know what the reality is. C is so cute. Today he was extra smiley and happy, and was quite happy to spend a good deal of time with me. They met me at the Russian place I like, and S told me when I returned to the table that C had been watching me the entire time. He does that a lot, and she never really talks about him watching anyone else like that. But when they're here, he does watch me almost constantly. I was holding him while I was eating dinner tonight, so that S could have a bit of a break and eat in peace, and he watched me the whole time.

Is this normal? Should a 32 year old guy really be this interested in getting married and having a family? And should that feeling be this damn intense??? If I'm busy, I can keep my mind off of it, but at the end of the day, it definitely comes barging into the forefront of my mind like an arrogant, fat, prima donna. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of this pain, and this emptiness. Days that S brings C over, those feelings are even more prevalent. I don't have the heart to tell her that I can't see her because I end up feeling like shit at the end of the day over it.

People tell me that I'm such a great guy and I shouldn't have any problem finding someone. Yeah, my personality is on par, but my looks aren't. No, I'm not posting a self pic here. I enjoy some anonymity. I'm just.... I'm so fed up. I'd love to say "screw 'em all" and just shut out everyone save a select few. But I can't. That's not how I'm wired. I care too much. I can't even tell C from next door to go home when I don't want to see anyone. Only once have I been sitting in the garage and heard him hop the fence, and closed the garage door. (I keep a remote for the garage door opener on my chair for just that reason, though I usually only use it to turn the opener's lights on and off at night.) This loneliness is one reason why I hate working in the store. At least installing garage doors, I'll be less likely to see what I want most and cannot have.