Confused as Usual in Journal #1: The Real Me

Its like I didn’t find balance. And maybe balance isn’t real at all.
I was either to be very emotional or completely lack empathy.
I don’t even know why I chose the second one, what was going on in my mind? What happened? I can’t actually remember, and I’m not complaining I’m just curious.

I do know however, that I’m living my best life. I know that before all this I was just a sad thing.

But I can’t help but be confused sometimes. How does a person go from emotionally crippled to practically emotionless? Oh man the things I’ve done since then, no remorse and its down right weird but acceptable I guess.

I’m still figuring things out. For example I realized that I get impulsive almost sometimes. Like when I’m angry or just extremely bored. In fact when I do get out the house I practically steal everything I find. If I’m specifically irritated at someone I either laugh, or do whatever comes to mind. It’s like I’m in control of myself, but not at the same time. Random impulses, are exactly what they are - just random.

One time without really thinking I took one of my mothers crystal glasses, got my bat and hit it in the living room for no real reason. And a bunch of other stuff, but we’re not going to get into that. Point is I do alot of things without thinking honestly. And the things I do think about are just schemes.

I could blame my childhood, I almost sort of do. But I don’t really care about that stuff anymore. I am what I am right now, that stuff is old news.
I wholeheartedly take responsibility for being terrible haha. Because what people think is terrible, is just my hobby and lifestyle.
I definetly think I’m a nice person, and the other half of me is something I won’t probably ever show to someone outside my family.

Why am I even thinking about this when I just woke up?