A Brief Moment That.... in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018
- Aug. 30, 2018, 8:33 p.m.
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- Public
A Brief Moment That Will Depict Me Both As Pathetic and As Vulnerable
Today… all day… I’ve been feeling fat. That feeling of fat has turned to feeling bloated. Uncomfortable and Unflattering.
And a thought has been poisoning my mind. This is the happiest I’ve been in many many years. Truly. I’ve not been this happy with Life in General since college. Wanna know why that is particularly disturbing? Because I met Wife at the tail end of college. I would NEVER suggest Wife is completely at fault for things having not been good in my life before… but she’s certainly had an influence. After all… I got into Law School… should have been this massive celebratory sigh of relief. Instead it was panic, stress, and taking care of her emotional fears about change and moving and the like.
But now? Now… I’m in the best job I’ve ever had. A job that makes me feel like I’m doing what I should be doing with my life. And when I come home? I’m fucking thrilled that I’m not immediately brought down by a planet’s worth of misery, negativity, and gravity. I come home and I can clean without being criticized, I can get naked without being being called gross due to sweat and ‘unattractive body’, I can read or watch a movie or play video games without someone trying to make me feel guilty about doing the things I want to do. And most of all? When I come home… I don’t have to immediately shift into “How can I take care of you?” mode. And that is what terrifies me. That is what makes me paranoid to the point of tears. Coming home to a lonely, anti-social emptiness is at least more fulfilling and emotionally satisfying then coming home to a wife who is always talking about how broken she feels, how unhappy she is, how hopelessly lost she feels.
And that makes me feel like even more of a monster. Like a selfish, cruel, monster. Because I do love my wife. I want the best for her. But… this feeling? This.... light, happy feeling? I haven’t felt it much over the last seven years. Not sure if I’ve felt it at all. And the FACT that being away from her as I’ve begun this new wonderful job/life? I can’t help but think… what if, when we return to living together, all of this goes away? WHAT IF living together again… means I come home to “Complaint, Negativity, Emotional Breakdown, Dark Clouds” all the time… again. I don’t want to. I don’t want my home life to be 100% taking care of a woman so depressed, self-focused, and miserable that she kills all the happy and celebration in anything. GOD, I feel like such an absolute DICK saying all of this. My wife is beautiful. My wife is lovely. My wife is wonderful. But so much of the time my wife is tragic. Me and my fascination with artists. As much as my wife is like my father… I blame my penchant for artistic types on my mother and brother.
I’ve just been whining. Well, technically, I’ve been airing a deep seated (or is that seeded) concern that could be the very crux of whether I am married next year or not… but… this very thought process fills me with guilt. The idea that I may be happier without my wife around? Yeah. Guilt City. If I think of it… I’ll print this to bring to counseling. Because… this is FAR too much of a worry (that could easily turn into an obsessive thought) to try to ignore or deal with on my own. :(
Last updated August 30, 2018
Down the rabbit hole... ⋅ August 30, 2018
Yeah this is a big deal... most people don't get the chance to see how different it is living apart vs with their so. I found out after calling it quits with my ex, that now that we're just friends he'll do anything I ask, but before when it was his responsibility I'd have to tell at him to get him to do it. And he'll be the first to tell you that because it isn't something he has to do, he doesn't mind doing it, but the moment it becomes something he has to do he puts it off at all costs. People are weird.
stargazing ⋅ August 30, 2018
None of this makes you a monster. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be happy. You have had a lot of years dealing with your wife's fear and negativity--I don't know how you've done it this long, frankly. That would be exhausting. I suspected that once you weren't surrounded by that--especially the criticism and insulting comments-- you would feel much happier. Can she changed? Only time will tell. But if she's always been this way, i think it's going to be a long time and a lot of work on her part before any of that can change.
Perpetually Plump ⋅ August 30, 2018
I don't live with my boyfriend. And I don't intend to. We're both prettt satisfied with having our own space like this, too. I miss him a lot when we're apart. For instance, I saw him briefly Tuesday evening after leaving him Sunday at like 3. It's been a lot of days without him, but I still want and need my own space. And if we ever do live together, I am going to suggest side by side apartments or some shit.
caramelchicken ⋅ August 31, 2018
You're not a dick for not wanting to be emotionally drained or exposed to constant negativity by someone else, or for enjoying not being dragged down by that person!
Always Laughing ⋅ September 02, 2018
My best friend ended her marriage for that very reason she loved her husband as a person, but he no longer made her happy and was depressing her. She wanted him to do counseling he would not.