I have not written in awhile. in Give Me Mercy and a Minute now. I'm a bleed a little poison out.

Yo, I don’t even know where to start with writing. There is a lot on my mind and a lot to think about and shit. Everything feels....odd. Well, that’s how I started the last time I tried to write.

I am seriously just burned the fuck out. You have no earthly idea. I’m done. I am tired of family, work, relationships, everything. I want to be a hermit. But I am too much of a god damn romantic and want to find someone I can actually build a fucking life with, but spoiler alert…That just isn’t an ideal or goal for people anymore. Long story short for this mild rant is that the chick I have been talking to for a bit now let slip that she has a guy this morning. Said she didn’t get much sleep last night. and I asked why....Her response, “I was with my guy ^^” Followed promptly with an “oh shit” I just don’t understand why people can’t just be straight up. That is literally all I expect of people is to be straight up and honest. Like if you lost interest, or someone else came along, or whatever…just tell me and we can part on good terms. But withholding that shit and just obviously trying to hide it....like…no. That just hurts. And makes shit worse. If you can’t own your shit, then why do it? IF you have to hide shit then you clearly recognize that its wrong. Fun fact, is that when you do that shit, yeah it will hurt others temporarily, but it will always come back to haunt you. I will be fine and get over shit, you…will probably be fine, but your conscience will eat at you. And if it doesn’t that is a testament to the kind of person you are. I don’t know. I just feel like giving up. I get crushed, I try again and I get fed bullshit. How is someone supposed to try and make something with someone, when there’s no honesty and respect.

Then there’s the fucking family shit. I am moving and I am getting all kinds of shit for it. I have been told that I am not respectful, caring, helpful, or sympathetic. I’ve been compared to my jackass father, I have been accused of falsehoods, I have been held accountable for their decisions and choices. I have been villainized and berated. And if they want to make me the villain, have at it. I am not those things that they accuse me of. I have done more than my fair share for these people, and because it never fit their narative, I was deemed the worst. I’m the bad guy. It’s all my fault. Then I have my mother spitting complete bullshit, and blaming me and then 2 seconds later trying to claim she’s happy for me and shit. And no. That’s not how that works. You are trying to get me to feel guilty, and I have nothing to feel guilty about. You are an adult. Grow the fuck up and adult for once. I am tired of saving the day for all of you. You all have got to learn to deal with shit yourselves for once. SHit, I got a pay day loan, to help my mother with some shit because she helped my sister....wanna know what she did…she threw it at my sister and then tried to accuse me of being shit. I did something for her, and she threw it at my sister. Then promptly tried to say it was my fault that she didn’t have gas money. And that I wasn’t helping her…like fuck you.

Work is just fucked. Half my team has quit or moved to a different department. I have to do a million things by myself, without any help. And I don’t get paid enough for this shit.

I need another tattoo. I really need that kind of therapy right now.

Fuck everything. Fuck everyone. I’m Mary Poppins, Ya’ll

Oh i forgot to mention how its like I am constantly giving and never getting anything in return. Like I am used as a stepping stone, or constantly used by selfish people. Is it so hard to not be taken advantage of?

Last updated August 31, 2018