fly away in 2018

Aug 24th: 14:51

On the plane on the way to Laughlin. What better time to type up an entry, right? I’ve had so much to say lately and no motivation to sit down and type it out. Story of my life I guess.

I don’t know why every time TF pops back up in my life all of my emotions are heightened and I suddenly feel everything so strongly. I mean I’m generally a sensitive person but this is even worse. I’m good at hiding it when he’s not around. He’ll disappear and I fall into a weird depression as if he means that much!

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August 27th: 9:53am

On the plane again. Apparently there’s not enough time on these flights to type much. It’s only about an hour, which is nice. Especially when I had to wake up at 5:15 this morning to be ready before bag pull. I was joking that this morning is kinda like my worst nightmare: hungry, sleepy, and waiting in line/walking with a bunch of strangers.

They just served me a cup of coffee with baileys so I should be fine now. 🙂 (yes I’ve broken my diet this weekend but the good news is that my habits are changing! Because I felt bad yesterday when I ate a ton of carbs for dinner. Not like sick but just ugh so that’s good I think. Back on track tomorrow!) Also I discovered I can play that balloon game in airplane mode. Haha. I’m easily entertained.

Hopefully once I get out of here I’ll grab some brunch and head home. I miss my house this time around. Travelling is amazing but I want to be home right now. I really need to finish my room. There’s still stuff in one hallway, outside, and in the guest room. I don’t even know what’s all there but it’s overwhelming to look at. All the drawers, minus one, are back in the room but I put them back empty. I don’t want anything in there that I didn’t sort. If I can at least separate the paperwork that should help. We’ll see. I need to sit down and look at it all. I’ll probably go through my closet a couple more times too. I’ve done a couple of sorts and donate but it needs more. Why the heck I’m saving shirts I never wear is beyond me. I need to stop attaching to things so easily. Now there’s the real story of my life!!!

The good thing about trips like this is that I get plenty of time to think. I know I’ve said it a million times but I really need to let go of TF. He’s not going to become the person I need. There are definitely things I don’t like about him. Like I’m sad he didn’t seem to save my number (and I think about someone like the Sheriff that I don’t even know that well and yet he saved my voicemails for over a year!). It all seems so simple when I write it out though. The things I don’t like about him are so mundane. And then I think about the huge list of stuff I do like about him. He’s never really going to let me love him though, is he? It’ll always come back to the same thing. He says we’re friends but we really aren’t! I can’t have a normal conversation with him. I can’t invite him over for a glass of wine on a Friday night like the client. I get that I’m super lucky to have the client, the only guy who hasn’t run away when I’ve said I can only be friends right now, but if I could just have a tiny piece of that with TF I would take it!

It’s late now and I’m at home. I’ll probably be heading to bed soon because I’m exhausted and pretty sure I’ve caught a cold. I’ve been drinking oj since I got home and really hope it’ll be one of those things that disappears quickly. I did nap for like an hour earlier but that wasn’t nearly enough. I felt it coming on last night when my ear started itching. It tends to follow the same pattern: itchy ear, sinuses, runny nose, sore throat, maybe cough. I had a similar thing happen on the big road trip last month but it went away in about 3 days after I found peroxide for my ears and chugged oj like it was going out of style.

Anyway, I’ve basically been working on this one entry since early last week but I’ve decided to split it up. I’ll try to finish that one asap but we all know how that goes. It’s all mostly the same ol’ stuff anyway so it’s not a big deal. More for my own history.

I’m not even sure how much more there is to add to this entry anyway. I was mostly just rambling about how I wish I could be friends with TF, but I’ve basically been saying that for years now. heh. It’s not going to happen. I think what’s holding me back is that I really want to look him in the eyes and tell him that I don’t think his teasing is funny anymore. I want to tell him that it hurts me. That I’ve had the biggest crush on him for so long and it crushes me when he gets my hopes up and makes me think we’ll be able to hang out and get to know each other. That’s what I want. I think I could move on after that. After I look right in those stupid bright eyes that hooked me in the first place and tell them my truth. I don’t want to hurt him, or make him feel bad/pity me, I just want him to know that it was real for me. That he’s literally the only man I’ve ever wanted to be with and it’s been one hell of a ride trying to get over him. I don’t know why. Like why does it even matter if he knows all that or not? But I just want him to know it wasn’t a game for me and I’m still hurting....

That’s all.
Maybe I’ll get that opportunity at some point soon.

rose.
9:57pm