alrite so here's what happened in The Wonderland Years: 2015. Done. april 13, 2015 in Evan

‘ I know everyone’s been on the edge of their seats in anticipation. [ok so maybe not. kidding..........kidding. but I hope you find my entries interesting otherwise there’s really not much point in reading them. and they usually are. well I think they are but idk. um anyways].

yeah so I’ve eluded to this. well like........about a wk. and a half ago I decided that what evan I have. it just isn’t working for me any more. evidently it did it must’ve at some point. I don’t remember when it stopped but it’s been awhile since it has. I just hadn’t fully acknowledged it. until now. the whole. constant back and forth him ghosting out on me and then coming back in Jekyll hyde. thing. wasn’t working for me. as said. so when he called w/I the last 2 wks. I told him that. and it went. as well as it could’ve gone really save for actually seeing him. i’m not. I mean this isn’t the end. well I don’t think it is but it might turn out to be for us I don’t know. though I really hope not. i’m not. i’m not giving up on him. it was really hard telling him that. he was so nice about it he couldn’t’ve been nicer. which is another thing that makes it so hard. is damnit since he was so nice about it I. don’t want us to take a break. no and it’s not like this is something I want[ed] to do. no. i’d rather not have but it’s something I needed to do.
this is day 6. of us not talking. and. I still feel like I need more time and maybe that’s bc I do. maybe the more time we have to. not talk the less he’ll be like that when we do talk. and when I put ‘like that’ I mean/t the constant back and forth. or maybe he won’t be I don’t know maybe that’ll never change. and if it doesn’t. like ever. I.....I don’t want to think of what that next step’s going to be.
and at the same. while yes I probably do need more time. he’s the one person I need. but there are times in the past when I’ve needed him and he. hasn’t answered the phone. or he. hasn’t texted me back. and me being who I am I don’t want to be understanding about it [well no clearly not or else i’d be doing it]. i’m not actually that understanding of a person regarding those things. it’s more that I need him physically than anything else but he moved to CA back in Nov. last I heard he said he might be coming back here soon we don’t know. but see this is exactly what I mean. and then in like. a month or whenever it is we start talking again he’ll probably tell me he doesn’t know when he’s coming back. that’s the thing I don’t like is the constant not knowing but then I have some idea but then I don’t know again. he’s not reliable in that way and I almost didn’t want to type that. he’s vague about the future which is another reason it’s a good thing we’re not dating. I mean we’ve gone on like. 3 dates in the past.um. 2, 3 yrs. just to try it. and they’ve gone well. but idk if it’ll jeopardise what we have.
I feel like i’m heartbroken. well I am a little. and it sucks. again heartbreak’s a bitch. no this fukin sucks. no I just want to drink and listen to adele. or my drink mix. or sleep a lot. this is why my depression’s worsened.
ya know. i’m afraid of losing him. andbut in a way I already have. I need[ed] [though I don’t always. well no one does] to do what’s/what was best for me and what we had wasn’t. and my fear was one of the reasons I hadn’t done this until v. recently. bc I was so afraid of losing him. the reason this hurts so much is bc I care about him so much. like a lot. ‘