Ace in Therapy

For some reason, a bunch of videos about asexuality have been showing up on my youtube feed and watching them makes me feel more solid about my own orientation. I don’t talk about it a lot but I figured I might as well. I can understand myself better and maybe make it easier for others to understand me.
So if you’re reading this, I’m showing it to you, I hope this can clear things up. It’s weird writing something that I might actually show to someone, I apologize for my bizarre writing style.
As a child, I was carefree. In some ways, my mother was very keen to make sure I had positive feminine influences. In others, she didn’t care at all. My brother and I shared clothes, when I got a baby doll my brother had to have his own, I played outside and drew a lot. I’ve always felt like a girl, I remember thinking long and hard if I would rather be a boy and I decided being a girl was better, but I didn’t feel trapped by gender.
In grade school, I lived in hand-me-downs. My best friend wore a lot of pink, purple, dresses, sparkles, what have you in K-2. So that was my style. She was having crushes every other week. I didn’t. I remember in the second grade this boy in my class made fun of me for taking “too long” with my math assignment. I also remember arguing with him about what color purple was, and of course, I proved Mr. Colorblind wrong. I did not like this kid. But when I was complaining about him in girls scouts, my troop leader said it was just because I thought he was cute. And I was so mad.
It wasn’t ever an issue that I didn’t have crushes. We were so little. But once we got a little older, maybe the fourth grade, I remember my friends insisting that I liked this other boy. I genuinely didn’t and I tried to stop my friends from pestering him. Chasing them around the playground left me feeling like I was falling behind.
In middle school, crushes became the norm. Again, my best friend was very open and had crushes on many different guys. We had people who were “dating” but it was all very middle school; holding hands in the field and eating lunch together. I mean there were couples that lasted into high school but for the most part, it was very lighthearted. And I was left out. I enjoyed my friends coming to me and telling me who they liked. But I really couldn’t relate. I actually remember telling someone when I was 12 years old that “I could recognize that someone was attractive without liking them”. Sounds pretty ace to me.
In the eighth grade, I had my first real crush. I was shocked too. I had gone to school with this boy for six years and all of that time I wasn’t fond of him. He wasn’t one that I hated, but we didn’t really vibe. And on the first day of the school year, I was so disappointed to be on a team with him. But they we were and I had to make the best of it.
After a little while, things were actually really great. He was kind of a mess, but it was middle school, we all were. He was a self-proclaimed compulsive liar and certainly a hipster. We actually worked together pretty well and I actually had fun. I was able to use my knowledge of gaming and electronic music to bond with this boy and we could just talk. We also argued a lot, or I suppose debating is a better word. But in the best way. It might have seemed like we butted heads a lot but it was so much fun.
As the unit came to a close we switched teams again and I felt oddly empty. We didn’t really talk much at all. I’m not exactly sure when I realized it, but I realized that I liked him. It was weird. But I was fine with it. He went on to start dating some other girl not too long after we switched teams and they lasted until the end of the year. And I liked him that whole time. It was a quiet crush, but it lasted for a long time. I think I missed just talking to him the most but I thought about being close to him too. After going on to high school, those thoughts started fading and I was just alone. I wasn’t in school, and I wasn’t doing much else.
But I was avidly on tumblr. And I discovered the concept of asexuality. And demiromantic. These words seemed so odd but so suitable for me. I identified really strongly as heterodemiromantic asexual, especially since I was so isolated with no threat of “catching feelings” for anyone. Even so, I had people ask if I wasn’t straight. Maybe it’s just the vibe I give off but I think the idea that I don’t feel attraction “normally” doesn’t make sense to most people. Which is okay.
I talked to my elementary school best friend about this one day after not seeing her for a while. She came out to me as pansexual, which wasn’t a surprise. And it was the first time I said anything about the ace spectrum. But she didn’t seem surprised.
Once I started working, I interacted with a lot more people but I still didn’t really feel attraction. I felt very neutrally about romance and sexuality, although when asked I’d try to explain. But for the most part, I’ve felt that if someone doesn’t have a romantic/sexual attraction to me it wouldn’t matter how I might feel back. So I speak of it casually.
Then came crush number two. I don’t remember when I first met him, but I talked to him outside of just the casual work interactions for the first time about a month before my 17th birthday. I actually really didn’t like this guy in any capacity beforehand. He was kind of annoying to me, he seemed a bit elitist, and he liked to hear himself talk. He would try and make small talk and say the same compliments and I completely brushed him off. But talking to him for a good 15 minutes was actually so nice. We bonded. And I like to think we became friends after that. And after that, I realized he shared a lot of characteristics with the boy from middle school. And thus, crush number two.
Ultimately, I was happy being friends with this boy. But crush was rare for me, and now that I was older I had hoped that maybe it would be more interested. I fantasized about hanging out with him, holding hands, falling asleep on his shoulder, and playing with his hair. It was all so innocent but that was all I wanted. I also developed this sinking fear of what if. What if something does happen, could I be in a relationship? Could I make my partner happy? Am I just naive and with some prodding could I become “normal”? I was scared of pursuing romantic love for fear that they might want more. But when he got himself a girlfriend and eventually left my orbit I was able to stop worrying so much. I do miss his though, and the thoughts of what if.
Since then, I’ve had a very quiet life. I’ve had small “curiosities” that don’t go anywhere. You see, I’ve gotten a lot better at understanding what I like in someone and can trigger those butterflies much quicker. But as I said, nothing comes of it so what does it matter. I’ve had people tell me I “seem like a very asexual person” and that “they couldn’t see me with a boy or a girl”. In some ways that makes me feel better, knowing I give off that vibe. It alleviates pressures I used to worry about. But it’s also kind of sad because I still feel aesthetic, romantic, and sensual attraction, even if it’s a little different than the “norm”. Do I have a chance at that if I seem so disconnected?
So what does it all mean? Honestly, I don’t know if I even know. But I tend to like people after I befriend them. Which is a little dangerous since the fear of losing a friend because of feelings is always a possibility. Maybe I’m just picky? According to my star chart, I like when people like me and I’m not inclined to pursue others instead I draw them towards me. Which could be right. I just write it off as the demiromantic nature. I do find girls very pretty and I feel some draw to some but I could never see myself dating a girl. Hence the hetero. And the idea of sex scares me and grosses me out. That fear of not being enough for someone else is still lingering. If I were able to snag a catch (is that a good metaphor?) how far would I go? But I’ve never been there so I can’t be sure. I’ve thought about it and maybe pondered the idea that I might just be shy or demisexual but at the end of it all, I feel very ace. I’m not as innocent as I feel I give off, but I just feel uncomfortable with the ideas. I think grossed out is a good way to describe it. I just feel like a grandmother sometimes when people tell me about their relationships and sex lives. Or moreso, detached.
I do get lonely at times. Sometimes overwhelmingly so. But at the same time, I thrive on being alone. And I thrive on friendship. But I’m still here, fresh 19 with virgin lips. And every other part of me. I’m a believer in fate. If I meet someone who I’m meant to be with then these worries won’t be issues. I hope that I can find a beautiful ace spectrum boy with soft hair that will be happy to be in my orbit.