That Daytime Evening Feeling in Uncategorized Thoughts
- Aug. 26, 2018, 6:18 p.m.
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- Public
My most consistent habit is making my bed in the morning. I started when I got my first cat, about six years ago, and it feels super weird when I come back in my room after getting breakfast and my bed isn’t made. I have to stop to do it.
My second most consistent habit is regretting all that I haven’t done. This one would have taken the cake, because I’ve been doing it for way longer, but there are times (even if few) where I am not weighed down by memories not made and paths not taken.
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I heard a sentiment the other day, talking about love, something along the lines of may the best one be the last one, and that hit home for me. Not because I believe it, but because I’m afraid that it won’t be true for me. It’s a fear more than a rational thought, and I acknowledge this, but that doesn’t really change its effect on me.
I worry because I had a good thing, a really good thing, and I got scared and ran away instead of running towards her. Of all the decisions in my life, of the mistakes that I have made and people that I have heard, if I had one chance to do something different, it would be that, without hesitation.
It wasn’t that I had big plans for today, because I didn’t, but I did have things that I wanted to get done, a few small things and one or two big things. With an entire day, that doesn’t feel full, at least to me - I’d still have downtime (maybe my perspective is skewed, but it is what it is).
Instead, the best that I convince myself to do is prepare for this upcoming week. To cook, to clean, to have things done. And there is value in that, but planning is not doing. I’m very good at preparing for a future version of me to follow through, but not so good at following through when I become the future version of myself.
Some days, I am just all out of fucks to give.
Amaryllis ⋅ August 26, 2018