Fuck. in Adventures in Being Mentally & Physically Ill

So I made this new book and I’m changing My Medical Life to talk about doctors and junk. A place to organize my thoughts on that. Also, if anyone is reading, you can see what it’s like going to doctors constantly.

Okay, so, my mental health has been declining. I broke down over MJ, my lack of a career, my health, everything just weighed down on me at once. I ended up slashing myself with a knife. I opened myself good too. Got to see the second layer of skin and lots of blood.

I liked it. At that moment, I liked it. I liked feeling the blood running down my leg even though the rational side of my mind was trying to get me to take care of it. I sat in the chair for a good solid 10 min crying and howling before I limped over to my first aid kit. Which, I keep dozens of them around the house and on my person. Because of this.

I have a lot of scars on my body. I don’t like to show anyone my body. I am struggling so much because I want to be touched but I cannot allow myself to be touched. And now with MJ telling me what she told me.. I dunno. I cannot go through with it.

To clarify, I thought I should move on so this guy was into me, I wrote about it in “Never Felt So Low” which is my main life stuff book.

I mean, even if I didn’t have MJ, I would still be not willing to do this. This guy is trying so hard and I’m here like well I wanna but nope.

I mean, I have MJ. She just needs time to repair herself. I need that time too honestly. Even though I have been trying to heal for that last 15 years.. I haven’t been trying hard enough I guess. Or maybe its all that “we heal at our own pace” junk.

I fell apart after I told her what I told her. Most of my pain came from loving someone and not being able to be with them. It’s hard. I know I can do this because one day, mark my words, me and her will be together. I feel it in my soul. She is the one for me.

So for now, I need to deal with what I have at hand.

My own demons.

Trigger Warning:: Heavy sexual Assault/r*pe discussion ahead. Graphic. Please proceed with caution if this triggers you!

I was raped when I was a kid. It was a family member and it did go on for years at a time. Some years, he only raped me on holidays which is why I HATE HOLIDAYS. I HATE CHRISTMAS AND THANKSGIVING AND EASTER. The only HOLIDAY I got a break from him was HALLOWEEN. So I fucking love Halloween.

I was 6 when he first started. It was slow at first. He would touch me or caress me when no one was looking. Then it went from that to up my thigh at the dinner table when I was 7. When I was eight, he tried to rape me during my birthday party but it didn’t happen. I do not remember why. I just remember him touching me and it escalated. But something happened. I cannot remember what it was.

However, he didn’t stop there. Easter came round, we had a BBQ for it. My birthday was literally the month before. When things got hectic, he took me and made me touch him in the shower we had by the pool.

It didn’t end there. He made me give him oral at age 8 to him in this isolated shower away from the party. I could hear them so close but so far away. I was crying the whole time and he told me to shut up. That this was good for me. I did it and he told me not to tell.

I was so upset that I cried all day. My cousin had a toy I had wanted. She was only 4. I felt that I needed to have that toy. The better toy because of what I went through. I thought to myself, “she doesn’t deserve it, I do” but like in a little kid way. I cannot remember exactly what was going on in my head at the time.

I don’t remember the rest of that year. At all. Its a blur. Things get more and more hazy after age 8. My depression got worse after this. I didn’t feel safe at all. I was dealing with so much and to have this man, that could enter at any time and hurt me.. It added to the things I was already going through. For those who believe, I’m a medium so you can imagine the shit I saw too as a kid.

I remember it got worse to the point that during Thanksgiving and Christmas, he raped me. I know he found a way to get me alone. I don’t think it lasted more than 5 min these times. That’s it. It’s all I remember from that time. I can’t remember what he did, how he did it or anything else.

By the time I was 9, my mom was away from the house more because she had to work. I remember being home with my abuela a lot. She says she loves me but she didn’t do shit to help me.

She invited them over. I don’t remember how they came to the house. It was my aunt and him. I think my abuela would go get them or something. I remember being home alone. I was home alone a lot.

She would bring him round. He always wanted to come when my mom wasn’t home cause he knew that my mom would most likely kill him. My room didn’t have a lock on it so while my abuela was busy with my aunt, he would come into my room. It lasted longer and got worse.

I have nightmares of him behind me. Fucking me and fucking me until he came inside of me. I was nine years old. I WAS FUCKING NINE.

He put his hand over my mouth and I bit him. He slapped the shit out of me. This was the second time. He had me bent over my bed. His hand gripping my mouth so tight. I don’t know how he didn’t leave marks or if he did, no one noticed them.

I bit him. He got so angry and fucked me harder to the point it hurt and I remember there being blood. Blood from biting him and I was bleeding.

This is weird because around this same time, around 9 is when I started to masturbate. I think, I think I came when he fucked me and I feel so gross. I feel so fucking gross and emasculated.

I can’t go on anymore for today. Maybe I’ll write more later. I dunno. This is supposed to help with the nightmares. Getting the memories out and in the open. Let my mind remember to forget. It happened and I can move on.

That I know for sure happened. I know all of this happened.