Small Days in Uncategorized Thoughts
- Aug. 21, 2018, 7:21 p.m.
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- Public
As I get older, I can’t decide if my goals are getting more specific, or if they’re just getting smaller. Maybe it was just that I had such big dreams when I was a younger thing, sure that I would change the world, or at least make my mark in it. That I would create something beautiful and lasting, something elegant and pure.
Now, I’m just happy to create, and my wildest dreams are for someone to find it somewhat interesting or good. Is this realism or defeat?
I was talking with a friend last night about writing, and both said and realized (because I am bad at realizing things, especially without explaining them) that all I wanted out of writing was Publishable Entertainment. Not Literature, or Great Literature, not stories that wow or reach deep. Just to finish something good, put it out there, and have people react with “you know, not bad”.
Big dreams, these.
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Some days I still feel large, like I could still do so much, but most days I am small and full of regrets. Regrets for things done, but mostly for things I haven’t done, or won’t do.
Today is a small day.
Today is a small day full of small achievements and bigger reshuffling. I put off the workout that I was supposed to do today (though can technically still make my week’s goals), and am phoning in or putting off everything else I have to do. But I’m still doing some; is that compromise or defeat?
I don’t know, but some days, it’s the best I got, just to do what I can with what I have, to rest, and then to try again tomorrow. Tomorrow may be another small day, but then, it also might not be.
Only one way to know for sure.
And really, I do not dread a small life, nor think it a waste. My dreams are of a small life, a quiet life of creation and simple living. I don’t know if that’s good or bad - I think it depends on who you ask - but it’s true to me. Everyone else can keep their complicated and hard, and leave me a small house in a patch of woods, low mountains and quiet days. I might not achieve so much, but my soul would be more at peace, and there is something to be said for that.
I’m a long way from there, but enough small steps and I can get there. This, I think I can do.
Amaryllis ⋅ August 22, 2018