Second Guesses in New Beginnings

I wonder how many people after making a significant decision, I mean a stark either/or type choice, hear echoes of the choice they didn’t make afterwards. For me, it sometimes feels like a came to a fork in the road, chose whichever path after wrestling with the decision for far longer than I should have, then I hear another traveler through the brush on the other path calling out to me. “This is awesome! This trail is so easy! The view is absolutely gorgeous-if only you had taken this choice, you could see it, too.”

I finally got the job I’ve wanted at the institution I’ve wanted to work for in the city I’ve coveted returning to for so long. I was waiting for this position to give me an offer while I was waiting for my recruiter to get me a 6 month contract position elsewhere. I told myself I would take whichever offer came first because I didn’t want to decline it for one that may not come. The contract position’s offer came in a day before this one, but when this position extended me this opportunity, I reneged on my agreement with my recruiter and my word to myself.

About that time, I received an interest alert via Match from a woman named Erica. We started corresponding via the message service. After about a week, we moved to talking on the phone. Now, we’re having phone conversations at least once a week and texting on days in between. She’s gorgeous! I mean, she’s absolutely stunning! Furthermore, she’s compatible with me in terms of religious beliefs, political values, lifestyle habits. She’s tall, sweet, smart, and an opera singer. She has this melodious voice that sounds like she’s constantly on the verge of breaking out into song. She owns her own business teaching voice, piano, and acting. Facebook, Google, and LinkedIn all match up, so I know she’s legitimate. At least, I’m 99.9% certain she’s being honest. On top of all that, she doesn’t want children. Finding everything I just mentioned in a woman who’s interested in me who also doesn’t want kids feels almost Divine.

The only problem, she lives in St. Louis. We haven’t defined what we’re doing, so I can’t say for certain that she’s definitely interested in me for something exclusive and serious, but if we were to pursue a relationship, I suspect I would ultimately have to move to St. Louis. She has a successful business there, her parents and siblings are there, and some very important long time friends live there. She has far more, and stronger, ties to St. Louis than I have to Athens.

Sigh Athens. I’ve wanted to move back here for so, so, soooo long. When I drive around town, I feel like I’m wearing wrapped up in a comforting blanket. I’m buying a gorgeous house that I could conceivably make energy independent. There’s no traffic congestion. I get shops and restaurants in town and fresh air and starry skies outside the perimeter. Not only that, if I leave, I’m leaving for good. Like I said, not that we’re an item, but if I choose Athens, I know she’ll be hurt.

This is one beast of a test. Do I choose my home and possibly miss out on the love of my life, or do I give it up and risk losing everything for a relationship that has no guarantees? When I think I could choose her, I inevitably have to run an errand and the warmth of this place just sort of washes over me. When I think I should choose the town, she and I end up talking on the phone for hours connecting of books we’ve read, things we believe, hopes for our future. How is it that fate hoists these dilemmas on us at the worst possible times? I wish life had an easy mode.