A few things have happened! Brent and Yalda broke up because he’s so intense and trying to get over his wife. A few weeks later, we had sex, and that was really fun. Kenny and I are both in counseling, going separately, and it’s helping give me a brighter outlook on things.
Comparatively.
I’ve made doctor’s appointments for both a pap smear and a consultation for getting on antidepressants. I told my brother that the drugs have gotten way better in the last 15 years, and sent him the link comparing side effects.
Shannon, the therapist, is helping Kenny identify what he wants. I’m terrified that he’ll decide that I don’t make the cut. He’s had many years of pushing down what he wants, and I worry that he’s just dating me out of habit because I flung myself at him, and he feels too guilty to walk away.
That said, he went on a dance weekend trip by himself recently, and came home wishing I’d gone with him. He enjoyed the dances, but was sad that he ate most of his meals alone. He came back needing a lot of hugs and snuggles, and said that hugging me was basically better than the whole weekend.
I think the problem is his house. When he’s in his house, he treasures being alone because that’s where his mom lived. When he’s alone there, that’s perfect. When he isn’t there, and sleeping somewhere else, he realizes that he’d like company.
Shannon wants to work on bringing the confidence he has in his dancing to other parts of his life. Please god.
Last Tuesday Shannon and I talked about high school. My best friend of 4 years telling me to go away and find new friends, feeling like if I didn’t have god that I would have committed suicide, calling Conor and asking if I could sit next to them at lunch, befriending Kyle, him telling me he was gay, throwing out my belief in God, and pulling callouses off my fingers until all ten fingers on both sides were bloody, and then moving on to toes.
“Does anyone know about this part of you?”
“I was failing Honors Chemistry on purpose. I wrote on the back of a test, ‘I’m not sure if I belong here.’ The teacher didn’t say anything, but the next day in class I got called in to the school counselor’s office. She was helpful. I don’t even remember her name. She encouraged things like exercise. I told her I went on long walks sometimes. She asked me if I sweated when I walked, and I said no. ‘Sweat.’ she said. She recommended I get good shoes for running and that I go for runs. I think I did twice. I saw her a few times.
Yalda just wrote me back. I wrote her like three months ago wanting to hang out. She said she hadn’t gotten the message until just now. She gave me her number. I do not know what I want to do with that at all.
I worry that antidepressants will fundamentally change me somehow. Karen is sad. She’s so sad that she helps people. She doesn’t want other people to be sad. She tries to connect. She’s sad so she dances. She eats blueberries. She has little salads. She helps Kathlyn.
Maybe it really is like she says, though. A ladder. I’m in a pit that other people aren’t in. I’ve been clawing at the muddy sides every day to get to the top. A ladder might help.
I mean, molly was wonderful. I didn’t want to die then. Everything made sense. I just wanted to spread more love and kindness. I wanted everyone to try it.
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