Open To All in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018
- July 30, 2018, 9:26 p.m.
- |
- Public
I’m wondering if I’m a dick.
So… honestly, truthfully… my wife and I are separated and going to Marriage Counseling.
This is known.
Today, my Wife had an appointment to figure out if “ADHD” is all she had or if she may have OCD or OCPD. She is fairly convinced that she has OCPD.
Me? I just want her better. The woman is quite literally trapped in her head. She tortures herself with her self-focus. It is… well… I write better in fantasy and sci fi. It is like a spell placed on her where she literally can NOT see the world outside of herself. She’s forced to be self-focused and it tortures her. I’ve seen it. It is rough. Not… woman trying to kill me rough… and this is where my father would say the following:
“Son, you always pick women that you are attracted to. That is obvious. But what you are attracted to is a woman that needs help of some kind. YOU want to be helpful, to be needed, and to be the kind of person that can help them be better. But you don’t focus on yourself enough.”
And he’s right. But with Wife? It is the first time I’ve found someone whose issues fit my own. Dark lol. Y’see… before… I’ve dated women that were selfish or independent or self-confident or self-focused. But the three that REALLY matter in my history? Aku, Aoife, Wife. Aku was literally psychotic and tried to kill me. Aoife was… not to make light of it but “suicidal ideation short of perfect” (in this case meaning… if she wasn’t so keen on her own death, we would have been the perfect couple). Then there’s Wife. A woman who, at a rare moment of pure realization, said to me “I spent the entire afternoon focused on someone else… and it was so FREEING! Seriously! Not focusing on myself, not obsessively worrying about myself, even for an afternoon was so.... it was like a deep breath of fresh air.” So that’s what is going on with her.
Here’s why I’m writing: (Granted… slightly inebriated and stressed/exhausted/emotionally drained from work)
(1) Item 1: Our marriage counselor suggested that “to re-situate our perspective” we should say Thank You to each other every day.
NOW… we no longer live together. SO… how do you say thank you every day? WELL… I, for one, have found a way to do it every day. I’ll text my Wife before 9 p.m to say things like “Thank you for being so organized and keeping our life tidy.” or “Thank you for being my partner; I know sometimes it isn’t easy.” Meanwhile… after I text my Wife… it usually takes up to 3 to 4 hours for her to text back. AND the most meaningful return text was “Thanks for being you. I know it is lame, but I mean it. And I’m tired.”
So… that’s an issue.
(2) BUT the part I wanted to bring focus to.... because this is a “Maybe I’m dropping the ball” moment:
My wife had an important Psych Appointment today where she was going to talk to a new person to discover if she may have something more serious than merely ADHD. She was nervous about it. These are things I am aware of.
I did not call her tonight to check on her.
This is why I wonder if I’m in the wrong… and also why I think all of my ex-girlfriends are bitches.
Allow me to explain:
All of my ex-girlfriends decided that my “Did I do something wrong? How can I be a better boyfriend?” was annoying and bullshit. They all wanted a “man that gets me without having to ask!” Well, surprise surprise… what most of them ended up with was a man that actively just didn’t care. If “I see you’re upset. Why are you upset and what can I do to help?” pisses you off than… apparently “Stop crying. Go hang out with your friends and take the baby!!!!” is more acceptable.
Okay… that isn’t fair. That’s just Thompson. BUT Christ! I know I don’t talk about Thompson much but… hand to God… I thought she was THE ONE. And… she did NOT treat me well!!!!!! Like.... AT ALL! Which… in hindsight.... means I should be asking myself some important self-reflective questions.
ANYWAY..........................................
After a very long day at work (seriously.... 5 am to 6 pm.... August and subsequent months are going to be BUSY!)........ I came home and texted her my “Daily Thank YOU.”
She has yet to respond.
So I think, “Okay. She had a super important Doctor’s Appointment today. Maybe she’s just processing that.” Then I think, “See, you ass! You knew about that! Why not call her?! Ask her how that went?!” BUT then I think, “No. Now YOU are being an ass! If she wanted to talk about it, she’d have called YOU!”
So that’s going on in my head. AND meanwhile… I can’t help but acknowledge my feelings.... right or wrong.
(1) I’m a little hurt that it always takes Wife hours and hours to text a “thank you” back.
(2) I’m even more hurt that it rarely reflects any genuine thought or contemplation.
(3) I’m wondering and feeling guilt/shame about not calling her to ask about her appointment
(4) I’m feeling a little angry and upset at the fact that she didn’t call me to tell me about her appointment
So… that’s where I am emotionally tonight.
Likely going to Jury Trial over 2 different men who beat the ever loving SHIT out of their loved ones… and not certain if my loved one even acknowledges my emotions.
PRE NOTE WARNING
While I have gone mostly “friends only” I have posted this publicly. That being said, any comments remarking at my “weakness” my “beta male-ness” or my “submissiveness” will not be respected or responded to. What may or may not be obvious to some people is that every individual has only so much fight in them. I typically reserve my fight* for my profession. Because as shitty as my marriage can be (sometimes)… I’d rather use my fight energy to go after the dude/dudette that is literally pummeling their spouse/children.
OR as one lawyer said it, “People ask why I’m so docile at home. Those people never see me in court. I can put up with anything at home because I love my wife and children. I put up with very little in the courtroom because I respect justice and the law!”
(just for fun)
caramelchicken ⋅ July 30, 2018
You're not a dick. You can only expend so much thought, energy and effort on someone who gives you bugger all in return before you no longer want to keep that up. I would be hurt too if it always took her that long to send a text, especially when she spends a lot of time on her phone.
How do you think your wife's issues fit your own? Do you want to continue in a relationship where you're constantly sacrificing your own needs for her to maybe make a small amount of progress in being slightly less self absorbed? You're not a dick if you don't want to. You've already put in so much.
I'm all for people in relationships helping each other but I think it should be both encouraging each other and both being motivated to be better people, not one person constantly dragging the other down with their issues.
It's good to acknowledge your feelings, being a thoughtful caring person is a strength. But it's hard when that's not appreciated at all by your wife (or ex gfs). Wanting to know how to make things better is something that should be appreciated and reciprocated.
Pretend Mulling caramelchicken ⋅ July 30, 2018
^^This.
Deleted user ⋅ July 30, 2018
If she is going to a psych, she is getting the help she needs. You don't need to check up on her. If it goes well, she will let you know about it.
Perpetually Plump ⋅ July 30, 2018
Wait. Let's back up to the part where you're separated. I know we just get part of your life, but this is the first I've heard of y'all being separated. Does wife know you're separated? Or does she think you're just living apart for now? Being a geographical bachelor and being separated are two different concepts!
Have you talked to wife about your expectations for when she should reply? How sincere it should be? Etc? Have you set an expectation for who brings up what when it comes to doc appointments? Boyfriend and I each bring up the topic on our own, on our own time line, and we share what we want after a doc appointment. Although, I could tell I hurt his feelings the other day. I made an appointment for early Friday morning, late on Thursday night. I didn't tell him anything about it until Friday night though. He was very surprised, and I could tell he did not like that I hadn't told him about it. I guess we hadn't set that part of the expectation, but now I know for the future that I should tell him when I make a doc appointment.
Always Laughing ⋅ July 30, 2018
I think you're being a normal tired frustrated human being.
stargazing ⋅ July 31, 2018
I would have at least text her to ask how her appointment went. If the shoe were on the other foot, and you'd had this appointment, would you be ok with her not asking you about it? But the feelings are valid. I wouldn't be concerned with how long it takes for her to reply because you don't know what she's doing--she may not be able to answer right then, but the fact that she doesn't put any effort into it would hurt my feelings. And then...like you said in the beginning of this post, she is so hyper focused on herself, maybe she just isn't capable right now.
Meginsanity stargazing ⋅ July 31, 2018
Totally agree.
Deleted user ⋅ July 31, 2018
My first thought was I don't like the idea of texting the daily thank you. Simply because I know how easy it is to overthink things when someone does not respond back within the time from you find acceptable. She may be busy, she may not be. Maybe do thank yous over the phone? Or facetime?
Definitely don't think you're a dick. You have put up with so much, at some point you're bound to get burned out. Let her work on herself, and vice versa. Maybe come up with a mutual agreement to get together once a week to talk about each other's progress.
One Angry Dwarf ⋅ July 31, 2018
Do people on this site actually call you weak and a beta male? That's... I just don't understand people sometimes.
I don't think you're an ass for not asking her about this appointment she was nervous about. I think having a 13-hour day is just as stressful as a scary appointment, and you shouldn't expect yourself to always be there for her. Sometimes both halves of a couple have shitty days, and there's only so much emotional support to go around.
But. even if her thing is worse. Even if her brain chemistry makes EVERYTHING worse for her, and she will never NOT have a worse time than you, simply because she doesn't have the proper coping mechanisms or brain structure to feel okay. That doesn't mean your feelings and needs are invalid. I think with most couples, simply due to statistical likelihood, one person is going to struggle more than the other.
I've struggled more than a couple of my boyfriends, and I took more than I gave a lot of the time. But that doesn't mean they should be obligated to ALWAYS give, and I shouldn't have paid attention to whether or not I was ALWAYS taking. Or made sure that sometimes I set my problems aside and be supportive, even if "technically" my feelings were worse than theirs. (Which, how can anyone know that, I suppose? It's all subjective.)
Foofah ⋅ July 31, 2018
This is a hard one for me because I don't want it to appear that I'm condoning you not having your needs met.
If this were me, I would put out the effort that I would hope to receive back. Then, at a later time...like the next evening, I would point out that I was hurt by not receiving the same treatment and that you need that support as well.