You make it look easy in 2018

12:19pm

I think I’m going to go ahead and vent a little bit to get these feelings out of my system. Although, I guess that’s kinda what I always do so I didn’t need to preface this. ha. Whatever. I’m trying to keep the anxiety from bubbling up.

First I’ll talk about today and then I’ll give a quick spiel about yesterday. I actually typed that part up on my phone while I was filled with self-pity but didn’t come back to elaborate or post last night. Probably for the best.

Anyway, I agreed to go out with the client tonight right? He called me in the late afternoon yesterday but my phone was in my room. It surprised me when I saw the missed call because he’s never called me before. We’d never spoken on the phone, not even for work. So I procrastinated on deciding whether to call back or text. I’m not a phone person at all. About an hour later he called me again and then texted to say hello after I didn’t answer. heh. It’s not just him though I swear everyone knows I don’t answer my phone. On the commercial of the movie I was watching [Christmas in July movies haha] I went to change my laundry and finally called him back.

Not gonna lie, when he answered the phone it caught me totally off guard because I thought someone else had picked up. His voice was so soft that I thought maybe it was his mom. =\ That probably does not say good things for him. haha. I feel bad for thinking that but I can’t help it. I’ve never thought of his voice being like that in person but sometimes people sound different on the phone.

Note to self: I’m definitely more attracted to a deeper voice. [Is anyone not? haha.]

It’s little things like that that make me realize we just wouldn’t be good together. Like there’s no way I want to lie around listening to that voice. ha. I’m so mean but seriously these things matter.
Also, I’m still totally single at my age so what the hell do I know?

Got sidetracked there but yeah we set plans for him to come by at 6pm. He actually set the plan by saying stuff about how he gets off at 4:30, is usually back in town just after 5, will get cleaned up real quick, and pick me up at 6. Uhh…ok. Works for me. I didn’t even have to pretend to be willing to drive so that was fine. The show starts at like 7:30 so we shouldn’t have to kill much time after we get there.

I’ve got some serious hesitation going on. This is not my kinda thing. I’m really jumping out of my comfort zone here. 1) He’s still mostly a stranger to me because we haven’t spent much time alone in person. 2) Fair = lots of people everywhere! 3) Trying to find parking gives me so much anxiety. I don’t even know why but it’s just stressful to me and unless we get super lucky it’s going to be a sh*t show out there. They never have enough space and everyone wants to charge an arm and a leg even though they’re 3 miles from the fairgrounds… 4) Did I mention people everywhere!?! Ugh.

Ok. It’s a few hours later now. I got ready and came to the office to “work” on stuff although I basically only caught up on emails and entries so far. I’m really trying to distract myself with any possible thing because the second I start thinking about tonight I really want to bail. If it didn’t bother me so much to be a flake I would text him right now with some lame excuse on how I’m not going to make it. I think his brother’s still in town. He could totally go with him!

I get that the only reason I’m uncomfortable with this idea is because of my fear of the unknown. Like I’m not really bothered by being with him. I don’t have any real fears that anything bad will happen to me. It’s just stepping out of my comfort zone and doing something different. Even just the fair thing - every year I say I’m going to go to all the concerts they have and then I never take the plunge to buy tickets. Honestly when I thought about it earlier in the year [or maybe late last year?] I actually thought that the client would be a good person to go to these things with. He’s nice and we’re getting along just fine. He likes to do this kind of stuff, clearly, and he is being pretty gentle about pushing me to get out more. That’s what I need in life! I know I’m going to enjoy it and it’ll be a fun time once I’m there, but getting there is the issue. All my worst nightmares rolled up into one little afternoon.

Hence trying really hard not to even consider what may or may not happen. I want to go with the flow and relax! But it’s so hard to do that when you’re a shy introvert who prefers to be alone in her home.

I can almost guarantee I’ll come back in here and say that I had fun afterwards, but try telling that to my overactive mind! Am I too old to pre-game? Is that still a thing? Like maybe just a beer, or a couple shots so I don’t have to pee. haha. Something to calm my nerves. I’m a great big ball of fun when I’m tipsy! ;)

Also, I’m debating on whether or not to give him that patch I bought in Hawaii. I know it was forever ago. I don’t even know if I mentioned it. He’s got a Toyota right and they put patches all over the roof. I think it’s pretty awesome. I am looking forward to checking them all out in person. So I bought the patch, then forgot about it, and found it while I was packing for WI the other day in my travel bag. I don’t want it to be awkward if I give it to him. Is it too much? Will he misinterpret it? What the heck kinda friends are we anyway?!?

Real quick let me just put this thing down from yesterday so I can move on and not rant about it forever.

So basically, M and her kids are in town visiting the neighbors. She texted earlier in the week while we were in Indiana. Then we came back and mom was sick so we didn’t get together until yesterday. She met us in the courtyard where we were drinking coffee and mostly she vented all her frustrations. haha. Which is totally fine. I like being there for people and it was nice to see her and catch up.

Of course CK came up. -_- I’d been wanting to ask but felt kinda shy about it so was glad when mom finally asked if he was still around. M goes, “Yeah....ACTUALLY he was just HERE yesterday!!” All emphasized and enthusiastic looking away from mom and staring directly at me. Hmm…interesting. We were home all day and he didn’t bother to get in touch?

sidenote: mom and I talked later and there was a moment the day before where we were in the living room and thought we heard someone knocking on the front door. I actually got up to look around but didn’t see anyone through the window by the door and also didn’t see any vehicles in the area that might indicate someone was there. The mystery remains on whether he stopped over to see us or not…M didn’t mention anything about that.

At some point mom told M that they should set us up and M goes, “That’s what I was saying!!” As if she’d talked about it before with someone else, or was thinking the same thing. I laughed, and probably rolled my eyes, and said something about how I wasn’t the one that moved all the way to Alaska. I’m still right here. I couldn’t make eye contact with M when I said it though. It was weird. She said something about how he needed to go at the time and I totally agreed with her. He definitely needed/needs time to find himself. I would never have tried to hold him here! Mostly I just meant that he didn’t bother keeping in touch with me. I thought we were friends and clearly we weren’t.

She told us all about his plans - couple days with his grandfather/family out here, Idaho to visit friends, out to their place in Montana, don’t know if he’ll stay 2 weeks or 3 days, etc. She gave us a rundown of his life in Alaska. He’s a shop manager now at the same place he went up there to work for. He can’t find a girl. Apparently the women out there in the middle of the wilderness are not into the same things, ie: fishing, hunting, outdoors stuff?? I find that so damn hard to believe. What the hell else would a woman in Alaska be into?! But anyway. He’s told them he’s bad with women [yeah he was always shy and quiet but he damn near convinced me!]. I said that if someone liked him it wouldn’t really matter how “bad” he was at it. I guess he’s been doing some thinking and trying to decide if he really wants to wander around free and aimless the rest of his life or settle down with a family. They’ve told him he’s going to run out of time if he doesn’t decide to plant some roots soon. All too true. Apparently he’s getting older and looking like more of a man now? She said he was growing up and not a skinny little kid anymore. I guess he did some firefighting stuff and had to bulk up a bit? I cannot imagine him as anything other than that tall skinny cowboy I just want to feed a cheeseburger to so I don’t believe her. So bummed I missed seeing him! Even just through the window. That redhead would look good with a little meat on his skinny bones!

Anyway though after all that I was mostly left with one feeling: sadness. It just washed over me completely. It reminded me of all these bad feelings. Like what is it about me that makes me so easy to leave? I don’t get it. I think I’m fun and honest. I’m easy going. I can kick back and have a beer and not worry about the world. I like to think I’m funny and witty and get along really well with men because I have a lot of the same interests. But for some reason they all make it look so damn easy to just walk away from me without a second thought. I mean it’s not like I didn’t try after CK left. I texted him multiple times and he never responded. I know he still had the same number last year so he just didn’t want to keep in touch. What is it about me? What could I possibly be doing wrong?? It just stings.

That’s ^^ the paragraph I wrote yesterday a while after she left. I just wanted to break down and cry because that’s all I could think of. I’m better now. It’s totally fine. But in that moment man I was doing everything possible to keep the tears from rolling down my cheeks. It really does feel that way. I try so hard and all these guys just disappear without an apparent second thought. Like I never mattered at all. Like I imagined our entire friendship.
And it’s moments like that, knowing he was right next door and didn’t bother to contact me at all after everything we had [or I thought we had] that bring it all back up again and make it hurt inside. I don’t like that feeling at all and I’m glad it didn’t last long.

I better get out of here and home to get ready. I should eat before I go out and try not to have a panic attack…

rose.
3:47pm