not a mind reader i know firing quitting but oblig. consequences no point if not change. nov. 10, 2017 in Mentoring

‘ so back to this. yes. i know she’s not thank you capt. obvious. so. even though. i’m not the one paying valerie [which means that technically i’m not actually her boss my mom is] I still want to fire her. or at least. i want to quit working w/ her. but i’m sortof obligated to my mom. cause valerie was found to help me not my mom. right but there aren’t a lot of things i require help w/. i got it pretty much figured out. so i’m just waiting. wasting my time. and hoping each wk. she’ll cancel.
i guess. I want valerie to know that if she doesn’t change her ways [which it doesn’t sound like she’s going to that.] i’ll quit working w/ her. that these are the consequences of her actions. and it’s not even like she’s done anything wrong. no exactly that’s the problem! is she’s just too damn perfect and unflappable and not real and who wants a relationship like that?
i certainly don’t. this is the exact same problem i had w/ stephanie and honestly my life’s a lot better since i moved out. thank god i don’t live w/ valerie. i mean if i already don’t like her now then.......at least i have that to fall back on but that doesn’t help me a whole lot. it hasn’t been working between us for a long time. well on my end it hasn’t.
so yeah I want to stop. even though. again i’m not the one paying her so that doesn’t make any sense. also. even if i was. the fact i live w/ other people is part of it. Things in my life don’t change. they can’t. no bc if they do then someone will say something. so everything has to be perfect. No people who are reading this might not understand. and that’s ok. i mean it’s hard for me but it’s ok. like i don’t like it but there’s nothing actually wrong w/ that. I have anxiety. and for a lot of people w/ anxiety things have to be perfect even though.we know that’s not a thing. and some people don’t get that. if a i was the one paying her and 2 i lived by myself it wouldn’t be such an issue.
and even if i told her that. that if she doesn’t change her ways i’d quit working w/ her. well she still might not. My mom knows i don’t like her it’s not like it’s a secret. [well and it certainly isn’t now.]. my mom once asked me something about if i want to keep seeing her, or something. and i told her something like ‘no i do’. even though. i don’t really. i’m scared, actually, of what that would be like. i mean i can guess but as it hasn’t happened yet i don’t actually know. i’m also afraid of confrontation. I’m also curious to see what it would be like to not have a mentor for awhile. i don’t actually need one most of the time we’re just killing time here really. it’s just something to do. like oh well got nothin better to do so i might as fukin well.
also. if my mom knew that all this time I was wasting my time w/ valerie. then that would mean she was wasting her money on something that wasn’t doing anything for me. so. that’s..........i can’t tell her that. The only person it would do something for is me. if i don’t see valerie then i won’t be wasting my time. i’d actually be doing something that i enjoy. and thank god. instead of something that i don’t. yeah every so often i’ll come to her w/ something but not like.all the time. why waste time w/ someone i don’t enjoy being around? well cause i’m obligated to. and that’s what people don’t get. and again that’s ok. ‘