convincing in 2018

7:43pm

I’m back from another adventure! I have so many things to say but who knows if I’ll get to them all. Y’all know how I love to procrastinate on these kinds of things.

We actually got back Thursday around noon. Made it to the house around 5pm and it’s nice to be back in my own space with my own routines. I miss it already though. This is one of those trips I really wanted to extend. We worked on Friday from like 10-7 and it was so busy. Not just catching up on paperwork/bills but people calling and wanting to come in. That plus trying to readjust to this time zone has me going to bed by like 10 something and waking up by 6am. Of course I don’t actually get up at that hour. haha. I mean, what do people even do that early in the morning!?! So the last couple of days I’ve fallen back to sleep and finally gotten up between 7 and 8. I kinda wish I could stay on that schedule but I feel myself staying up later and later at night already. Also the aforementioned what the heck do people do at that hour with no where to go. hah.

Today has been a really laid back today. I’ve mostly been sitting on the couch watching Christmas movies on Hallmark all day. I should probably stop watching these movies because it fills me with fantasies and unrealistic expectations of what my love life should look like. Seriously. I think I’m all screwed up from thinking that those kinds of stories exist. As if people really fall in love the way they do in those movies. I don’t believe it one bit! But my brain/heart/hopeless romantic side seems to think it’s real and that’s probably why I’m alone. My expectations are too high and my standards will never be met.

Yesterday I was having these really intrusive thoughts, out of nowhere, about TF and I think it’s giving me anxiety. Like I had to stop what I was doing to breathe and not panic. There were multiple times where I’d be right in the middle of some work project and I’d suddenly get this feeling like I might fall apart in an instant and I had to find a way to control it. One little thought and I would have been done for. It’s so stupid. Really. I don’t understand my mind at all.

Also yesterday I woke up at about 6am and by 6:30 I was asleep again. Between that time and 7:30 I was dreaming about TF. I’ve said it before but I don’t dream about real people very often. Clearly my subconscious was seriously on point with this one and got it perfect. All I remember is that we were in the same area and I walked into a separate room. He followed me and I closed the door but left a gap in it like I wanted him to close it the rest of the way. I guess he did but there were a lot of windows/openings and people could see we were in there alone. So randomly a bunch of girls I went to HS with started walking by snickering and joking about us being in there. All I wanted was for him to get close to me, to kiss me, with expectations of more, but the whole people watching thing was throwing us off. He barely even got close to me, like maybe just hand holding, before he walked out again. Then I followed him throughout this place hoping we’d find a moment to be alone.

That’s it though isn’t it? The perfect representation of us. Where I’m trying to get close to him and he keeps moving away. I keep following him around like a starving puppy looking for attention. It makes me feel sad and desperate and I don’t know why I do it other than not wanting to let go of something that I thought was real.

There are times when I feel like I won’t really be able to let go until he gets someone new. Until I see him with another girl, either dating or married, and he’s serious about her. He’s just not the type to jump from relationship to relationship so I think it would have to be significant if he got with someone. That would be enough to convince me that it’ll definitely never be me. I get that I should understand that by now, without another girl, but I’ve always been that way. I need proof. I need all hope to be gone. I’m a sucker for a little bit of hope.

Stupid, stupid girl....

In other news: the client and I are still texting a bunch. Pretty much every day even while I was gone. He even joked that I wasn’t sending him pictures from my adventure. haha. But I was using my real camera so I didn’t have a lot of stuff on my phone. We were texting back and forth yesterday after I got out of work [he’d sent like three texts during the day that I didn’t respond to because I was so busy!].

About a week ago, while I was on the road, he texted to ask if I’d be home by the 23rd. When I asked why he said he had an extra ticket for a comedy show at the fair if I wanted to go with him. I didn’t want to answer right away because I wasn’t sure so I asked if it would be ok to let him know once I got back home. I don’t like to make decisions that quickly. He knows this and we’ve even had a conversation about it. He’s spontaneous and likes to jump, and I like to take things really slow.

He seems to be ok with this, which is such a contrast to TF because he couldn’t seem to stand it at all. But the client just sorta accepts it and goes with the flow and that’s cool. Yesterday during our texts we started talking about the show and I thought I was making it pretty clear I was going but he kept asking things like, “so that means you’re going right” and “you’re working up to saying yes right.” He never puts question marks though so I thought he was joking around. Eventually I asked if I had to spell it out for him and he said yes. haha. I told him I don’t like words of commitment. Like explicitly saying YES and we both had a good laugh about that.

I guess I’m definitely going with him though. We said we’d talk details Sunday. I was tired and it was late anyway. He said he was going to SJ for a family reunion today so it’s been quiet. I’m still trying to figure out this whole gf thing because he doesn’t seem to be acting like he has one. Sometimes it feels like he’s flirting with me. He’ll say things about how he likes talking to me or he’ll laugh and say “that’s why I like you.” I get that I can read too much into things, so I’m trying to avoid that, but I don’t know.

I hope he doesn’t think this is a date? I really, really hope he doesn’t have a gf and think this is a date!! There was a moment yesterday where I told him that if he wasn’t going to let me pay for the ticket then I’d pay for the entrance to the fair and maybe a drink. He started to get all manly about it like “what kind of guy would I be if I let you pay for me” kinda stuff. I don’t really consider myself a feminist. I’m all for a man paying for things. He’s more than welcome to cover a first date and if we make it to a second I would gladly cover that. But I thought offering to cover entrance fees would make it seem less date-like. Just a couple of friends watching a show! I don’t know what his situation is but I don’t want him getting the wrong impression!

We’ll see how it goes. Details will be figured out tomorrow but I’m hoping he’ll drive [it’s an hour away]. The show’s not until 7ish and he must be working that day so it’ll probably be drive down, watch show, come back kinda thing. I’ll admit to being hesitant to driving down with him. It’s sad but he’ll be the first guy I’ve been alone in a truck with since TF and that’s causing its own anxiety even though it shouldn’t. I just really don’t want him to try to make a move and then have to deal with all that. I like what we have. I don’t want to ruin it!

He sent me a selfie yesterday morning because he camped out at the shop. In the picture his shirt is unbuttoned about halfway and of course my first thought was hoping to see a chest tattoo [which doesn’t exist] but then I thought, “hmm....maybe he’s not so bad looking.” And at the same time I feel like I’m trying to make myself like him. My hormones are kinda raging right now so that probably has something to do with it but also I feel like I should like him. He’s so nice. He pays attention. He doesn’t care that I’m a quiet homebody that likes to take things slow. He wants to pull me out of my shell and he’s willing to work for it. He’s willing to be my friend and get to know me. I should definitely like him. I should want to spend the rest of my life with him! So I feel like I’m trying to convince myself to do just that.

At the same time though, I know that as much as we talk our conversations are still superficial. Our core ideas don’t really mesh. I can’t ever really see myself feeling any real passion with him. I don’t know. I’m walking a fine line and I’m just trying to manage it. Trying to navigate it.

I’ll update about it later. I’m hesitant about Monday, but I want to have fun. I need friends. I need someone I can count on. I don’t want to be the one to make it weird. We’ll see.

I’m going to work on trip entries later [maybe. haha] but for now I’m going to get ready for bed.

rose.
9:48pm

Last updated July 22, 2018