Sympathy Over Pride (October 2, 2013) in Old OD Entries

I have been thinking a lot lately about my situation with my mother.

It's no secret that I love her. I also have a lot of resentment toward her and I can't deny that fact. I spent most of my life trying to make her happy and trying to protect her from anyone who tried to hurt her. I told myself that no one knew her situation like I did. No one understood...she was the victim...she was the one who was hurt.

As I got older I started to understand that some of my mothers problems stemmed from her own mistakes. She has made many mistakes in her life. I forgave her over and over again. She never truly changed and still hasn't...she still has her problems.

I thought that I had my epiphany over the summer. My sister explained to me all the mistakes that my mother had made in the past. The innocence of being a child shielded me from seeing the truth. I never knew all of these things about her. I felt that she had lied to me. She had somehow made me feel sorry for her when she was to blame.I began to hate her. I had never felt that much hate for one person. Emotions sprouted from me that I didn't even know existed. She was a fallen figure.

I put it into my head that if I distanced myself from her that I would be happier...that I would better myself...I wouldn't be victim to her manipulations.

The real epiphany was what I have realized now. I'm not happier with her out of my life. I have spent the past five months away from her. Not talking to her, not seeing her face. Not feeling her loving embrace...She gave the best hugs.

I began to think about if she was out of my life indefinitely. How would I feel about the situation between me and my mother if she died tomorrow? I refused to ask myself this question before because I was afraid to even hear the thought in my mind...let alone ask the question out loud. I came to the realization that she would be my one regret. I would regret not telling her how much I loved her. How much I wished for her happiness and well-being.

It takes so much energy to hate someone. I thought that hate would be a better alternative to love. At least if I clouded my view of her then I would feel nothing for her. This was a lie. I thought of her everyday. I wasted so much energy trying to make myself hate her...just exhausting. Why waste your time doing this? You are only hurting yourself....just becoming a shell of a person.

I have always felt that if I never say I'm sorry and if I show no emotion for that person that I win. What kind of shit is that? I win? I win what? I win a heart full of bitterness. It's time to suck up my pride.

I can't spend my life blaming my mother for my problems. Doing that doesn't make them go away. It just fills me with anger and self-pity. Who wants to live their life that way? I have trust and intimacy issues, but these are my demons to deal with. I can't blame anyone for them anymore.

I am going to try and forgive my mother for her past and future mistakes. I am going to tell her I love her every step of the way.

I don't want to be held back by my past.

I want to live my life.