Beyond Anger in Drink Drunk Distraction

So my wife was telling me about a koan she’d read that I’d never heard of… it goes something like:

“Beyond anger is grief
Beyond grief is the clear blue sky”

And that kind of resonated with me. Every time I’m angry, it’s because I’m grieving that something didn’t go the way I’d planned.

I’m angry at my wife because I don’t think she appreciates what I do for the family - really I’m grieving for the loss of some kind of expected ‘pat on the head’ that I think I’m entitled to.

I’m angry at my ex for making it really hard for me to see our daughter, really I’m grieving for the lost time.

There’s a guy I like called Ajahn Brahm - he was a physicist in Cambridge, British guy, who one day took off to the forests of Northern Thailand to become a monk. He talks about letting go. And that’s it… You can’t let go of anger unless you understand what you’re grieving for.

I’m grieving for only being able to see my daughter occasionally for eight years. I’m grieving for lost moments, and the ability to be there for her and to tell her it’s ok.

So that’s in the past. That’s gone. I think I need to cry about it and wave it goodbye. And then work on not being so obsessed with the future (which I can’t control) that I end up in the same spot.

Doing some baby steps at the moment… drinking a pint of water in the morning. Not drinking. Going to throw in some (gasp) exercise tomorrow as my weights haven’t been touched in 6 months.

I was kind of worried I’d get the shakes or DTs or something quitting drinking, but it doesn’t seem to be a problem.

3 hours of mediation tomorrow and one way or another, a massive weight will be shifted.

Right now I’m going to do a guided meditation with Ajahn Brahm (luckily they’re free on YouTube and go to sleep.

And thanks to the guys that gave me positive encouragement and had kind words. I don’t think I can express how appreciative I am, but it was exactly the right thing at the right time.