Not much in The First Life

It’s been a while.
Per the usual. I’m a little drunk.
Drinking honey whiskey that feels like force feeding cough medicine, but it’s all I have for tonight.
Spent the day breaking things apart to make them better when I put them back together.
Reminding myself that this house is mine.
It’s surprisingly easy to forget.

Felt the fly buzz around my head.
Asking me to see how things were on the other side.
He’s back to how he was before.
I don’t blame him.

Of course I’d run into him on my one day in my home town.
Drove home wishing he didn’t pretend I wasn’t there.
Wishing one day we could display our care in a way that felt like deep friendship

I want to be there when he finally finds what he needs.
And I wish he would still be there for me.

If we could be in the same space, at the same time, sharing our time and our friends and our feelings.
I feel bad for how things happened.
And I swear I thought I’d marry him.
Even though things aren’t the same, I still feel like he belongs in my life.
This time, it’s a little different.

Days have been passing fast.
I’m trying not to hope for a future.
Now, is where I’m supposed to live.
Everyone is ahead of me though.
I’ve built all I’ve ever wanted but I’m still missing something.

No one has ever accepted my love.
And no one has ever given me theirs.
Not in full.
Not the way I need.
I’m nearly 28 and I keep hoping someone won’t throw me away.
That I won’t be disappointed.
I have a habit of putting all of my energy into a foundation that crumbles.

Lucky for me.
This one seems to do well with houses.

I keep worrying that he’ll let me down.
That he will wake and he won’t touch me the same.
Maybe he will see through my windows instead of opening doors.
I’m not easy.
Despite all of the progress I’ve made, I’m still insecure.
I haven’t hidden that from him.
I let myself have bad days and I’m not shy about it.
I have problems, and I voice them.
Biting my lip because I sound like a wreck.
Everyone assumes I’m strong and confident, and I am, until I care about you enough.

5 months feels like it could have been much longer.
He’s the first person I’ve felt accepted with, in full.
It’s early, I know, but I’m not afraid of him.
He’s seen me in shapes no one has.
Bare to an extent that I’ve always been afraid to show.
And he thinks I’m best that way, which is the most warm and hugging feeling .

Sometimes, he’s too quiet.
You can see a million thoughts resting on his brain.
But he never rests.
He ticks away, like I do.
When he’s racing, I can feel a vibration.
I tap my foot, click my teeth, clench my jaw.
I feel his anxiety when it sparks.
My empathy is debilitating sometimes.
And I over identify with his personality.

He’s never giving himself credit, and that’s teaching me to give myself more.
I know many of his faults are mine as well.
Seeing them on someone else makes me more aware, and reminds me to be softer.

Still.
All I do is count ahead.
Every little step passes with a nod of excitement.
Quickly, I move on to the next.
Why can I not settle for the present?
Always fearing the future and fighting the past .

I could see myself here for a long time.
I’m always like that, though.
When I choose to let someone in my life, it’s never short lived.
I don’t know if that’s out of love, fear, or stubbornness. Maybe all.

Last updated July 12, 2018